This is a quick drawing I did for a friend of mine, Josh, that does work with wood, he’ll be using a router to trace it out, a first collaboration between us with hopefully more to come! 07-01-21
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Well, I did it, I pulled the trigger and bought the print head, ink, and mainanence cartridge for the Large Format Printer… I’m excited and nervous! I really need to put some time into sorting pictures and finding what I want to print for the shop. I honestly don’t even know if there’s an interest in my work, but I’m a little proud of myself for trying, for putting my work out there and getting my art and photography onto a physical format for people.
Some days are hard though, they just rub you the wrong way, take it all out of you.. That was the kind of day I dealt with today, and I’m not even really sure why. It wasn’t anything out of the usual, feeling slightly overwhelmed at work, feeling unmotivated to do anything, same thing, different day. Found out Molly took Johnathan and moved to Alabama, feels like when she took him to California all over again, no advance notice, no asking my thoughts on it, just hey, we moved to Alabama just so you know. Oh, ok cool, thanks for letting me know? Couldn’t have told me any of the times I’ve asked how he’s doing that you’re moving to Alabama? Would have been nice to have my family in California even meet him, but ok then, what do I matter, he doesn’t even know who I am, that he has a sister and he’ll have a little brother soon. I’m just the guy that’s never around… Sorry, just venting, feels like I’ll never really know my son, and it seems like Molly is ok with that.. Can’t fight it either because I can’t afford to fight her in court and she doesn’t want to talk about it otherwise. Don’t even get pictures of him anymore, haven’t gotten a picture since November. Life is hard right now.
I took the night to myself, tried to sleep, just wasn’t happening, so I practiced for a bit on my guitar. I’m a long way from knowing what I’m doing, let alone being any good, but it felt good to just put everything else away and focus on that. Made me miss Andrew, he could play the guitar so well, learned on his own, it always impressed me. Hopefully this weekend I’ll get the 3000GT going, get it registered and start driving it next week, I think that would really help me feel better about everything going on in life right now. I feel so lost these days, feel really alone, which sucks because people like Jill and Cory are trying to be there for me, makes me feel bad I can’t connect that well these days. I’m trying to be patient, I’m trying to work on things with Jill, but it’s days like today I just can’t handle anything, I pull back, I become even more withdrawn.. but hey, at least I practiced guitar tonight. Speaking of musical instruments, I picked up a violin over the weekend haha, I’ve always admired them, Jill plays, the sound has always given me a peace in my soul I can’t ever find the words to express. It’s on my list of things I want to learn, so when Jill, Rosalie, and I went to the swap meet last weekend and one was there for sale, I impulsively bought it. Jill looked it over for me and tuned it but said I’d need some rosin for the bow before I use it. I now have an electric/acoustic guitar, an electric base guitar, a harmonica, and a violin. I know how to play none of them haha but I’m determined to learn, to play for my daughter and son, to play for my Aunt and Uncle, Andrew’s parents, so maybe they can enjoy it like they use to.
There I go again, right? Add to the list of all the things I want to do, the countless interests and hobbies.. My dad tells me I should stick to something before going off and picking something else up, and he’s not wrong, my ADHD makes me struggle to stick to one thing, but that’s just me, it’s who I am. If I can get to a level I feel comfortable, then it’s a success to me, though there are some things, like art and photography, I know I will never feel like I’ve reached a point I’m happy with. It’s frustrating, when stagnation comes, when motivation is low and I sit, staring at my screen, trying to will myself to draw or go through photos.. Hopefully it won’t be the same with musical instruments…
I feel like I’m sinking in life these days, like I’m constantly going through the motions but going nowhere, spending money on stuff I hope will work out but not even knowing if my work is good enough to sell, if I’ll have the focus to succeed while simultaneously balancing everything going on in life. After Andrew died, everyone seemed overly worried about me, I assume it’s because I’ve always been vocal about my troubles with depression and have a history of self-harm, though that history is long in the past, it still seems fresh in people’s minds when a tragedy like this happens. To be honest, I’m worried about me too, but not for those reasons; I’m worried I’ll never get where I want to be, with anything, I’ll just keep going through the motions, doing enough to feel like I’m trying but never really reaching anything.. I don’t fear my depression taking over and doing something irreversible, I fear never letting myself push for a life I want, pushing myself to achieve my goals, to learn all that I want and be skillful in the things I love, I fear never feeling happy or feeling utter contentment in my life, just chasing the next interest or pursing the next job just to pay the bills but failing to reach something that is meaningful to me.
I don’t feel like I have many people in my life these days, the people that are there, Jill, Cory, Fredy, Ria, Anna, Roman, Arthur, I don’t talk to much, I just stay in my office at work or stay at home, not reaching out to anyone, just being alone. I don’t like this person I’ve become sometimes, but at the same time, I’m not surrounded by temporary people anymore, fake people.. I think I miss that about traveling, backpacking, just meeting real, genuine people interested in my story, me interested in their lives; but I don’t have that anymore and I can’t get anywhere if I stay staring at the past.
Later days.
“I had your number quite some time ago
Back when we were one, but I had to grow
Ten thousand years I’ve searched it seems and now
Gotta get to you, won’t you tell me how?
Call me, call me
Let me know you are there
Call me, call me
I wanna know you still care
Come on now won’t you ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do to get me to you?”