Another day, another trip to the ER, this time not for me though, for my dad again..
It’s surreal seeing him in a hospital bed, I’ve only seen it a few times growing up, and I’ve seen it more this year than any other. He told the hospital they can try to resuscitate him one time and that’s it, and he said when he gets out of here, my siblings and I will be getting together to go over his will and plans for the house.. Surreal, that’s the only way I can describe it. It’s tough, watching my dad go through this, seeing him feel so down about his situation, and having to do all this alone, not having Jill by my side through it. She says she’s still there for me, but it’s not the same, it’s like my mom all over again, her with someone else, coming to a funeral to hold my hand because I lost a parent.. just hasn’t happened yet, but I’m not sure it’s too far off.. When he decides to quit, it’s over, right now he could still pull through but he seems so down.. His heart is struggling, he is having trouble breathing, he’s kind of in and out of it, says he can’t sleep well because of not being able to breath or because he’s coughing stuff up all night. Sitting here watching him in bed, listening to the doctors and watching them come and go to run tests, this has been a long year, watching my life fall apart again and again, some because of my own actions, some because that’s life, all have been hard though.. I’m trying to lean on family and friends, and even Jill since she’s trying to be there for me, it’s just hard..
Tomorrow I get the kids, suppose to go do Christmas Cookie Decorating at my Aunt’s house, a long time tradition.. I don’t know if I want to go.. Just don’t like doing things with the kids without Jill, but it is what it is, gotta think about the kids and what will benefit them.. It would be nice to get pictures too.. So much to think about, I just want a break where things go right for a while.. where I get what I want..
Later days.
“Oh, and I know this of myself
I assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We’ve listened more to life’s end-gong than
The sound of life’s sweet bells
Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well, we knew we’d missed the boat
And we’d already missed the plane
We didn’t read the invite
We just dance at our own wake
All our favorites were a-playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake”