Milestones in life are a funny thing; they almost don’t feel significant when you don’t have anyone to share them with, and I’m not talking about partners.
With such a monumentus milestones happening over the past few years, they’ve also felt quite hollow. I’m not sure any of my friends have met either of my kids, or know about the baby on the way. I’ve only told one friend about the house, Fredy, and we’ve been under contract for a week already. I told my dad about it the day we signed, sent him a link of the house, I had to ask if he looked the next day and all he said was, “that’s a bit expensive,” and “looks great, hope it works out for you.” Hell, my brother was the one to tell me he was proud of me, for making such a big step forward in life. Fredy was pretty excited for me when I showed him a link of the house, but he’s the only one outside of family I’ve told about it. Nobody reaches out, so I don’t either anymore. I’m getting hired on, at some point this month hopefully, and I’ve told my dad, he was pretty glad to hear that, gave me a “oh, that’s good,” probably the best I could expect. Over the years, so much has happened, I’ve done so much, I’ve seen so much, and I like to think I’ve grown over the years, but there’s nobody here to, well, tell me I have, there’s nobody to talk to about my life and experiences over the past few years, things have changed so much.. My mom is gone, Andrew is gone, so many friends gone, not talking to me, moved on with life, etc. Some of those friends, it’s my fault, probably most of it is my fault, I was selfish, reckless, thoughtless, careless, and so greedy, yet so unwilling to let life happen however it was going to, being so willing to walk away. They’re all just ghosts now, those people are gone, just as I exist in their memory, whether good or bad, they are just memories in mine, ghosts, that fade with time, pain being the reminder they were there. We’ve almost finished cleaning up Andrew’s house, it’ll go on market soon, still hurts, still doesn’t feel real. Makes me feel more alone.
I’m 32 this year, never thought this would be where my life would be at 32; signing on a house, two kids with one on the way, albeit I only really see my daughter, at least I’ll have one son with me, working a job that gives me the financial stability to even consider buying a house, with two working cars and my project Z with me, in a relationship and learning to be a parent to kids that aren’t mine. At the start of this site, I never would have imagined this would be my life 5 years later, never thought I’d be here 5 years later. I have to give it to Jill, I really wouldn’t be where I am if she wasn’t in my life. I’ve grown a lot because of her, I’ve become better because of her, and she’s endured a lot of my growing, she’s helped me through the grieving, and she keeps trying, keeps pushing, and it makes me want to keep trying and keep pushing. It’s funny, I had to look to be sure, I am 32, but I don’t feel like it, if anything, I feel older.
Later Days.
“Tried to write a letter
To tell you how I feel
But all I kept on writing
Was slipping on the tears from the day
When I was young and brave
Now all these hotel lobbies are filled with what’s to me
Lonely midnight drivers
Drifting out to sea
And all those late night lovers
Don’t make things better to me”