It’s Tuesday, tomorrow will be Wednesday, the 3rd of May. It’s my mom.. it would be my mom’s 64th birthday. I’m kind of struggling with this today.
It’s tough, it’s been years since she passed, but it isn’t any easier, just less frequent, the pain, the feeling of loss, the confusion.. I’m sure it’s going to be harder tomorrow, and it’s something I’ll end up dealing with alone, because Jill is not there for me anymore, as much as she likes to say she is, it’s just not realistic.. God I’m tired, just tired in a way that sleep doesn’t help.. Ah, anyway, enough of that.
I think in my next post I should have my photos all worked out and uploaded to a few print on demand websites and I’ll be able to start attempting to sell my work. It’s pretty exciting, or it would be, but it feels kind of hollow, like most of my acheivments, it feels hollow accomplishing things alone and having nobody to celebrate with haha.. Oh Jesus, I’m being down as all hell right now.
Oh, tomorrow has a spot of a silver lining I suppose; I get to do a little intro sewing class in the evening, I’m really looking forward to it. Sewing is definitely something I want to get really competent at, so I can make my own clothes and costumes, because ADHD brain and constant need to learn and become proficient at many different skills.
Man, this post is just not one for the books at all, just sporadic ideas thrown on the wall and seeing what sticks. To be fair, I feel like I was manic last week for a good portion of it and have been coming down from it over the weekend, because yesterday I was feeling low as hell. I should talk to my doctor, get my meds adjusted, and find a new talkie doctor. I should also get an appointment set up with my doctor to get my neck checked out, kind of hurts and feels like there’s a bump growing there.. Pretty high risk of cancer in my family, so anything off gets me a bit concerned, certainly more than I ever let on about. I can tell I’m on the tail end of mania because I’m getting all sorts of thoughts in my head that really aren’t good, but it’ll be ok, it’ll level out, this isn’t anything new.
I’m really wondering if dating is something I want to be a part of.. I don’t like feeling strongly for someone, because as well as I take it, I get hurt like anyone else, I feel pain just as badly, but in the end, it’s on me for taking that risk. Sometimes I wish I was as naive as I use to be, just so optimistic that something could work, jump into things like other people. I only seem to jump into open ended situations that lead to pain, knowing all too well that those lights that burn brightest are the ones that burn shortest, they aren’t likely to last long. There was a point in time when I told myself I was more than happy with that, when I was younger and sleeping around, unable and unwilling to commit to anyone.. but that’s really not who I am anymore, sure, I’m a guy, but random flings just don’t interest me all that much anymore, it doesn’t keep me warm, it doesn’t fulfill me, and I don’t share myself completely with them. Push and pull, push and pull, what a silly little dance, goes and goes until one side just can’t go anymore, or one side feels unnecessary guilt over a situation both sides went into, fully away of the risks and ramifications. Where am I going with this..? I really don’t know.
I want to leave this place, but really I don’t have any reason to, life isn’t how it use to be, it isn’t so bad. Sure, it has it’s difficulties, but they aren’t anything I can’t power through, can’t sort out. I just want to have adventures again, see new places, the same stars and moon but in different spaces. It was a fleeting though a few weeks back, getting an RV and just hitting the road.. but as fleeting as it was, it has me occasionally looking at RVs I could pick up for cheap and work on, get it in good shape for a road trip.. again, it’s hard when I get excited about something and have nobody to share it with.. then I’m down again.
Anyway, I think this rambling has gone on long enough, just don’t feel like I’ve had anyone to talk to lately, so I guess it all came out on here, doesn’t matter much because nobody even comes here or reads these haha. Just yelling into the void.
Later days.
PS, I accidentally cut off too much when I was trimming my hair, so I had to buzz it. Hasn’t been this short since I left to go backpacking haha. I will say it really ages me up though.
“Can you see in the dark?
Can you see the look on your face?
The flashing white light’s been turned off
You don’t know who’s in your bed
It takes more than fucking someone you don’t know
To keep warm
Do you really think that for a house beat
You’ll find your love in a hole?”