Oh what is there to say? That hasn’t already been said. I’m tired, I’m burned out, I need a change.
It dawned on me the other day while I held my daughter, 17 months old, that I have been in the “workforce” for nearly 20 years, and yet I’m still working as a contractor, doing jobs I don’t necessarily enjoy or see a long term role with. Yet, if I want to make enough to provide for my family and cover bills, I have to stay in this field, one I am growing more and more burned out on. I remember when I use to enjoy even this job, working in a hospital, repairing equipment, and learning more… but over time, the handicaps on this position as a contractor, the pay offered if I work for them directly, none of it is even remotely appealing.
I need to find a way to make art and photography a more realistic goal, a way I can provide enough to survive and thrive, so I’m not stuck working jobs I don’t enjoy, being stuck being in places that ultimately just burn me up. I’m 32, more than half of that has been spent working, and I’m going to get to the point I just have to settle if I don’t make some changes now. I’m tired, I’m so tired, to my very core, depression is high, anxiety is rising; talked to my doctor to get meds going again to help try to manage things, try to put a bandaid on the problem at hand till I can get through the day and accomplish something at my job.
In the coming weeks I’ll be moving stuff into the new house, I’ll be putting together portfolios on my site for my art and photography, and I’m going to really try to reach for something more. The new house will give me space to set up my tattooing equipment, my repair space, just a good amount of room for us to have our own spaces without feeling crowded. I’m really looking forward to having my own space for my art and photography, and by that point I’m hoping the work I’m doing now will be laid out enough to maybe start taking commissions.
Later days.
“I’m in my room making cardboard castles
With shoestring rope
Soup spoon drawbridge, tinfoil moat
I’m still dreaming after all these years
Because if we don’t build it who will?
I do things on a shoestring that you couldn’t do for a cool mil’
I run with no laces, and when I fall I start
To build my Taj Mahal with shit I found at Dollarmart
This life’s our greatest project
The journey’s all an art
But I built my perfect nest, and it’s ‘bout to fall apart
Again and again and then I just I make it twice as high
And I give my tower teeth, and I watch it bite the sky
Because I might just cry if I don’t keep it moving
I focus on what I can make and not what just got ruined”