Sometimes, things can be ok and painful at the same time, and sometimes, there’s not a lot you can do about that.
Friday Night/Saturday morning then kids were with Jill’s mom, I wanted to be at the hospital with my dad and kids aren’t allowed. It was genuinely nice to see Jill’s family, but it was also incredibly painful. Jill wasn’t the only one who’s trust I broke, It wasn’t just Jill I let down. Right when I got there she asked how I’m doing and I lost it, told her everything is so hard and I just cried while she hugged me.. I really didn’t expect myself to react that way, but something about it just made everything well up in my head and I couldn’t help it, I just cried. We chatted for a little bit before I left the kids with her, it was tough and my heart hurt, but it was for the best, it gave her a chance to see and visit with them and gave me the opportunity to focus on my dad. That’s where the other post came in, Missed the Boat, that was when I was at the hospital with my dad. The next day, Saturday, I’d have my psyche appointment and we’d go over the flow chart of External Stimuli - Thoughts - Emotions - Actions/Reactions/Responses; it mostly went over why my previous coping mechanisms were so effective. It comes down to the fact it hit Elements of the healing process of Trauma; Movement of body, Creativity of Mind, Stability, A way to calm oneself, and Working towards the future. I felt pretty drained after my appointment and struggled to get the kids, not because I didn’t want them, but because my mind was just heavy with pain and thought of Jill, it was pretty paralyzing for me. I did end up getting them though and when they went to bed I worked on organizing the garage, I needed movement in a positive way. I ended up getting two of my three rooms in the garage pretty well setup.. It feels good to see progress on projects around the house.
Last night we did our family tradition of decorating cookies for Santa, well, I say we, but it was all the kids mostly. My aunt invited Jill and she had been debating if she was going to go or not for the days leading up to it and ended up deciding to come. She had told me she wasn’t feeling great or in a good headspace, I tried to help but she said it wouldn’t be fair to her new guy if she came over and I was there for her, which I don’t understand but I didn’t push it, I’m trying to respect the new dynamic, it just sucks. Anyway, I got there a little before her with both kids, trying to juggle both of them on my own while my family ate dinner, I was exhausted by the time Jill got there. It was bittersweet seeing her, it always is these days, but I was glad we could do this together for our kids, like I told her, I might not be invited to her family traditions, but to my family, she’s still family, and we wanted her there. I’m hoping it helped her mental state and gave her a little bit of relief, doing something fun with the kids and seeing we can do things together and coparent successfully.
All in all, it wasn’t a bad weekend, but the pain is always there, and it will be until I really let go of any lingering hope, shreds just hanging on… I just know when I do that, it will be forever, that’s just how I feel and what I’ve seen from myself in the past.
Later days.
“I found a letter that said, “I’m sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words
Down”
You’d think I’d ought to be used to that by now
Save for a few of those late night episodes, missed opportunities, and “I don’t care’s”
There’s not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about
I’ll have my brother stop by this Saturday to
Pick up my things, just make sure you’re not there
This may sound bad, and don’t take it the wrong way
I love you, however...
You hold me down
You hold me down
You hold me down
You hold me down
You’re the echoes of my everything
You’re the emptiness the whole world sings at night
You’re the laziness of afternoon
You’re the reason why I burst and why I bloom
How will I break the news to you?”