7 Days, just 7 Days till my last full day in Utah, Wednesday evening I'll be leaving my house for who knows how long, getting ready for the tedious process in boarding a plane, then on my way to New Mexico...
It's crazy to think of all it's taken to get here, since the first dreams of leaving to actually packing up my bag and going for it... This started out as a promise to my mother as a young boy, and over time, it has become my own dream, one which took a lot of things happening just so for me to really be ready to leave everything behind and go for it.. I don't really know if I'll ever map out the years, the emotions, the changes, the pitfalls, and failures it took for me to really leave.. Just know it's been a 10 year journey to get here.
Last Thursday, I did something stupid, I lost myself and ended up hurting my hand pretty good.. I haven't gotten that since, well, I watched Her go for the last time.. I haven't patched the hole yet, I look at it every morning, every night, when I can't sleep.. Just reminding myself that I need to leave, that these ghosts are suffocating me, and the more I try to stay, the more bitter and angry I get.. I need time to heal, these years have been full of so many memories, some good, some great, and some heartbreaking.. I haven't said this yet, but this blog is going to be pretty damn honest, even though family and friends will be looking to these words for affirmation that I'm doing ok.. but this is also for me, and I need to be honest with myself. Last Thursday was bad, I could feel it coming on before we got to The Funk N Dive, a bar Molly is now a KJ, Karaoke Jockey, at and will be for a good long while. I tried to be a good friend and support her, but it was suffocating being around everyone, and I drank more than I should have, just couldn't take it, it wasn't a pretty sight and I'm pretty embarrassed at my behavior..
Cool bar though, wish I'd been there sooner, I could see it being somewhere I'd enjoy, though the beers were a bit pricey.. Days have passed since that night and things are mostly back to normal, except my hand, and that hole in the wall.. I really do have some great friends though, Molly in particular, for putting up with me and trying to be there for me when I'm falling apart. For their sake, I need to make some good choices when I'm on my own.. Anyway, this Thursday I will be ordering my cards, preparing my backpack and picking up some supplies, and sending my ax and handgun to New Mexico, to await my the following week. This Saturday is my Going Away Party, something I honestly dread a bit.. Crowds, goodbyes, possible appearances from old friends I haven't seen in like 5 years, oh yeah... Anxiety is running a bit high about it, but I'm going to put on a good face for it. I wish she'd be here, but that's not possible, Her solution however is to Skype me for a bit that day, if she's still wanting to... It's always hard to know if she will follow through on things or change her mind, hell, or forget all together.
I suppose that's where I'll leave things for now...
Later days.
“This is where I say I’ve had enough
And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
A trophy display of bruises
And I don’t believe that I’m getting any better.
Any better.”