With the approaching birth of my son, I’ve got to be honest, it’s really starting to weigh on me. Not in the ways you’d expect, I’d imagine, but it’s more making me miss family and friends I’ve lost even more, their absences from my life all the more evident, more tangible, and it sucks, for lack of better way of putting it. Not one of my kids will have ever gotten to meet my mom, my brother, or my cousin Andrew… They’ll only exist in photographs and stories, and it doesn’t feel fair. It’s like there’s this raw, bleeding hole in my chest that cold air is just flowing through, the kind of cold that takes your breath away, every time I think about it, the reminder that they’re gone, a reminder that my son is coming into a world without them. It’s painful, to be honest, it dampens the excitement to meet my little boy, a lot like not having my son Johnathan around dampens the fact that my daughter and baby boy will likely never really know their brother. Hell, I don’t even really know him, my own son, I ask often for updates and get these generic, one sentence responses, always the same message, he’s fine, not even pictures. I shouldn’t complain, he’s doing well and that’s ultimately what matters, I shouldn’t complain, lots of people lose family and people close to them, it’s part of life, I shouldn’t complain about so much… so much is out of my control, and that’s life.
It’s a new month, my last at my current house, the lease is up at the end of the month and I need to be packed and ready to be out in the next week or two, seeing as how I won’t have much time once the baby is here. On top of that, I’m still trying to secure new residency, I don’t know how many offers I’ve done, but still haven’t managed to have one accepted. Every time I start to get excited about a place, just to have it turned down as not good enough or as good as other offers, well, it can feel quite discouraging. I’m just hoping to find something with a good amount of room, a good garage, decent yard, I don’t even mind the need for some updating or a bit of work, I think it’s something I’d really enjoy to be honest, but even “fixer uppers” are flying off the market at crazy prices. I’m tired of looking at houses, getting hopes up, just having them crushed every time. I need something to come through, not just for the fact that my lease is up this month, but for my sanity, I need a win haha. [06-02-21 edit, later on this same evening of writing this, 06-01-21, I would be receiving a call from my Realtor saying I had an offer accepted and was now under contract and going through the long process of closing on the house!]
I’ve started going hiking, well, I should rephrase that, I went hiking for the first time since probably living in Ogden about 3 years ago now. I went with my coworker Richard and his brother, took on Mount Olympus Trailhead, and needless to say, we didn’t finish it, we got whupped by this hike. It’s relatively short, about 6.5 miles round trip, but it’s an elevation climb of about 4500 ft, so it’s pretty tough considering the length. Our boss, well previously our boss, Mike, wants to do Angel’s Landing and make a bit of a camping trip of it, and it’s no easy hike, so we’re doing these hikes to get ready. I think we have like a month to get ready or so, so between packing, moving, house hunting, working, the baby, and just life, I need to find some time to put into hiking. I’m exhausted, to put it lightly haha but it gets me out, gets me using my camera, so I can’t complain too much. Feels pretty good, aside from being really sore, to be hiking again, hell, to be outdoors again, using my camera, feels like it’s been a long time since I did anything. Just anything in general. I’ve really been closed off from everyone and everything, save for family get together and Jill’s friends… I think hiking will be really good for me, hopefully. I really want to get back into rock climbing too, but I probably shouldn’t be doing that one alone.
Outside of house hunting, missing people that are gone, and getting back into being active, I don’t think there’s much to say about life right now. It feels like I’m constantly playing catchup and trying to find time to do things I enjoy, telling myself that lie we all tell ourselves that I’ll have more time once things settle down… My clothes fit a lot looser than they use to, I’ve lost weight again, stress and life just eating me up I guess. Crazy to think at one point I was about 185lbs but it was muscle, then just a year ago I was about 195lbs and it wasn’t muscle, and now I’m probably about 170lbs and starting to look a little thin, face looking sunken around the eyes and cheeks. The picture on my badge for work definitely shows the extra weight I had, shorter hair too.
I feel alone, I feel tired, and I miss all of you ghosts terribly.
Later days.
“Carry this picture for luck. Kept in a locket,
Tucked in your collar, close to your chest.
Make it a secret, shown to the closest friends.
And meet me at quarter to seven,
The sun will still shine then, at this time of year.
We’ll head to the inlet. And we’ll share a bottle there.
And color the coast with your smile
It’s the most genuine thing I’ve ever seen.
I was so lost, but now, I believe.”