What a New Year it’s been, and it’s not even two weeks in.
Things have been interesting since moving into my new place and and starting the 75 Hard; things are going well, all considered. Hopefully this year brings good things, like real growth, some sort of balance in my life, I’ll take what I can get and I’ll work my ass off for what I want. I need to to push myself to improve, all around, I want to be proud of myself, and my kids to be proud of me. Anyway, sappy stuff aside, I’m doing what I can to improve, and that’s what matters. Work is going well, I’m adjusting to the new place, 75 Hard is kicking my ass haha but it’s been good.. Just need to get a schedule written up so I can make a routine, something that gives me a bit of flexibility for the rest of the 75 Hard, and something I can keep with after I’m done. I want to optimize my time to be more efficient, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know!
Things are going rather… stressful, with the new baby, healthy heartbeat, seems to be growing well, but we’ve had a couple scares with cramping and bleeding, had to go to the emergency room last Friday, then a series of tests over the weekend.. Things are calming down a bit, but that fear is there, it’s not going away.. Makes me wish I was closer to my son, I don’t think he even knows me.. it’s just hard, I’m still really resentful when it comes to his mom, I trusted her and she used that against me and left with him. I know it was to have the help she needed with him, but it still hurts everyday, anytime I get an update or ask how he’s doing, it hurts. The thought of losing one of my kids, it’s really tough, I don’t blame my dad for how hard it was for him, given the situation with my son is a lot like the situation with my dad’s son, my brother Ryan.
I lost my great uncle to Covid last week, kind of feels unreal, to lose someone close to the very thing that’s affected so many people, that’s affected families and the very hospital I’ve been working in. It seems like it’s been hard on my dad, he started going to his Grief Groups again, something he started doing after my mom and grandma passed within a month of each other a few years back. I was talking to my therapist about this, that we have a bit of a saying in our family about death being a constant dinner guest. He lamented that it does seem to be the case, there have been many deaths since we started talking years ago.
A bit of a downer post, I know, but that’s life sometimes..
Later Days.
“A brand new baby was born yesterday just in time
Papa cried baby cried said your tears are like mine
I heard some words from a friend on the phone didn’t sound so good
The doctors gave him two weeks to live
I’d give him more if I could
You know that I would now if only I could
You know that I would now if only I could
Down the middle drops one more grain of sand
They say that new life makes losin’ life easier to understand
Words are kind they help ease the mind I miss my old friend
And thou you gotta go we’ll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out, one comes in”