This has been a year of highs and lows.. This month in particular has been a lot more downs than ups.
Needless to say, when things ended with Jill, every ending is a new beginning, and she let me know that she’s moving on with life, and I’m proud of her. She’s doing more for herself, she’s growing as a person, dating, getting things in line to be her own boss and start her business, and she’s going to make plans to go back to school, and I am so proud of her. She is the mother of two of my kids, she was there through some incredibly rough patches in my life and I didn’t handle them well, but she stuck through them with me, even at the great personal cost on her. I’m happy she’s doing things for herself and growing as an individual, we’ve had our ups and downs this month but we’ve done well to communicate and we’re on a pretty good page, both pretty well have made our peace with things.
November can be a tough month in general now, and Thanksgiving was definitely hard, I was on my own, not having Jill with me this year, but I did my shot for my mom and had some Mexican food, it didn’t feel like it was 6 years already, so much has gone on, so many stories I could tell her, I use to tell her stories all the time about my life, she would have loved her grandkids, I would probably have done better in general.. but thinking about all that, it made me really look myself in the mirror and reflect on how I’d handled myself the past few years and I decided again to remind myself I need to do better and be better, so I have been, and I think she’d be proud of me..
Yesterday was a tough day as well, my dad was admitted to the ER; new onset congestive heart failure, pedal edema, and chronic bronchitis, when it was all said and done.. My dad called me at work, Hey, I’ve got some news, I’m headed to the hospital, they think it’s congestive heart failure, I could hear the fear in his voice, my mind went blank and I felt numb.. I said ok, I understand, I love you dad, keep me updated. We hung up and I went through a breakdown at work and texted him asking if he wanted me to head up to the hospital and didn’t wait for his response. I spent the day with him at the ER, helping him understand the tests and listening to the doctors, asking questions, doing what I could to get all the information I could. I didn’t realize how swollen his ankles and legs were till we were there, it was surreal to see him looking thin in his shoulders and face, I kept thinking of my mom as he sat in the hospital bed, wires and an IV, just having test and after test, doctors, nurses, respiratory, X-ray techs, just one after another. After a few hours my Aunt Theresa showed up and hung out, that’s when I seen the cracks in my dad’s normally happy demeanor, he was scared, he was trying not to cry, he spoke of how much this sucks and it really started hitting him that he’s getting older. Until that point he was doing pretty well, the whole thing just another day to him, but after my Aunt got there it seemed like it was hitting him more and more. When it was all said and done he said something to the doctor that made me teary-eyed; I just want to be around, I’m not ready to go, I want to see my kids grow and my grandkids grow, I’m not ready to go yet. The doctor explained the next steps and the medications he’d need to take and signs to watch for, things he could to to help. The doctor went over his levels from the blood tests, told him it’s time to stop drinking, and he said “ok, I want to be here, I’ll quit,” after explaining that though not in a horrible range, his liver is a little elevated, and it could only get worse if he keeps drinking, that the stress it’s putting on his heart isn’t helping. After he was discharged he went to his apartment, and I went to get his meds, it was hard, knowing it’s me that’s going to be going to appointments and getting meds and making sure he understand them, it feels too soon, it doesn’t feel fair knowing that this is life and it’s a part of life and just as I’m getting my life going, my kids are growing, my dad is at his first stages of that downhill chapter on his.. I hung out with him at his apartment, we had dinner and went over his meds, told him the risks of interactions with the antibiotics and steroids due to his heart condition and elevated liver results, kind of felt like it was hitting him more and more, but he was mostly back to himself as far as his demeanor. He’s optimistic, he said he just wants to get back to being able to do stuff, being able to breath normally.
Seeing him like this makes it harder knowing my son, my firstborn, might never get the chance to know his grandpa, and he never got the chance to know his grandma.. and that sucks. It’s hard to think about and makes me thankful he can at least spend time with my daughter and son that are here, he’s definitely thinking about them.
The name of this post isn’t even to go over all the highs and lows of the year, I don’t really think I’m ready to think about it, it was more about the song, I feel it in my bones; I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.” This has been a tough year, I’m tired, am battered and broken and still, somehow, I’m standing.
Later days.
“I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me
I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me
I drove home in the California dusk
I could feel the alcohol inside of me hum
Pictured the look on my stepfather’s face
Ready for the bad things to come
I downshifted as I pulled into the driveway
The motor screaming out stuck in second gear
The scene ends badly as you might imagine
In a cavalcade of anger and fear
There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year
I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me
I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me”