April 27th, 2021
Well, needless to say, complain that life feels stagnate and the curse of perfect days is getting you down and life will surely do something about that..
I believe it was Tuesday that I was informed that because of this amazing market to sell homes and property in, the owners of the townhouse have chosen to sell it at the end of my lease, at the end of June. I will be effectively homeless if I can’t find something in the next two months. Great market for people selling, not so great for the first time buyer with nothing to put into a down payment. It’s a lovely, stressful, awful experience learning that the place you just started to get comfortable with and started really settling in and relaxing in is going to be sold and you don’t have much option about that except to either end your lease early or take all the time you can to make plans for the next move. I’m tired of it, the feeling that my life is not mine to control, command, only react to the crisis that unfold, it’s getting old feeling like other people are pulling the strings in my life and I don’t get a say in it.
Anyway, since that day I have been scrambling to learn what I can about buying a home, about mortgages, how these first time buyer loans work, what are nice to haves and what are necessities in a place, etc. The difficult pill to swallow in all this is trying to make it work for the future vs just right now, because in the future you need space and room and extra bedrooms, etc, depending on where life leads us. It’s not a fun way for me to have to do things, especially when the market is making me look at $450k loans, monthly mortgage payments of $2800/month. It’s insane, it makes me feel pretty worried I won’t find anything that works, for now or the future, be it what it may. Really, all I want, all I’ve ever wanted, is a warehouse I could convert to a garage style loft/home, somewhere I could build my projects and cars and secret rooms and make it just amazing on the inside.. instead of something I like or something unique, I fear I’m going to end up with one of those cookie cutter starter homes that I’ll be stuck paying on for the next 30 years.. Oh well, such is life I suppose, I’ll figure it out, somehow, I always do.
It’s a tough situation to be in, facing a market that isn’t going to be kind, while also being a contract employee, long-term employment not guaranteed. Yet somehow I have to find a house and swallow whatever I have to in order to keep this job going, when I want to leave; this job just isn’t going to give me what I want or need, outside of money. I don’t believe this company will help me grow when they can’t even be honest with me. It’s not a good time to branch out into anything new either, as much as I’d like to pursue my own interests and passions; happiness doesn’t pay the bills, personal fulfillment won’t fill my kids stomachs. I swear, the older I get the more I see myself falling into the same traps my parents did, keeping on at a job I don’t like just to make sure my kids are taken care of, watching the years tick on, telling myself maybe I’ll do something for me tomorrow, or the day after. I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all, but at the same time, I’m glad I can do what I can for my kids.
May 3rd, 2021
Fast forward through the week and into the weekend, we’ve seen like 17 houses, made offers on 3 so far, and 1 has been turned down. It has been a long weekend, in addition to house hunting, we’ve driven all over the Wasatch Front and past Point of the Mountain, from Ogden to Lehi several times. I also helped my old landlord Paul Butler build some stuff at his house to do some maintenance on the house, which was really cool and informative, I feel quite a bit more with building things and how to make them safe. We visited family up north too, which was nice, but I was so tired from building a scaffolding and driving around house hunting to be much company haha but they were all pretty excited about such a big milestone happening in the processes. It’s a bit stressful house hunting because Jill’s ex-husband and his family, whom have no business sticking their noses or turning them up when it comes to matters that are my business, like to complain and make any changes in life worse than pulling teeth. They also like to talk a lot of crap about me to the kids and to Jill, but never have the balls to say it to my face. It’s made house hunting less than fun, well, them and the market; but ultimately, it’s pretty surreal, it feels like someone else’s life, I can’t really believe I’m putting offers on houses and looking for for places to put roots down. I’m tired, it’s exhausting, and May is a month that takes a lot out of me in general…
Happy Birthday Mom, you’d be turning 62 today; you’d be so in love with Rosalie Catherine, she’s such a goofy girl, so smart, you’d have loved her little curls. I wish you were here, to be a part of her life, to be there to help me in mine, to be excited about me house hunting, to be excited for all the changes and improvements I’ve made in the past 5 and a half years. The things I’ve done and places I’ve seen, the stories I could tell you, the stories I wish I could hear about when I was a kid, if there’s anything Rosalie does that I use to, family tell me she’s a lot like me but I don’t really know. I struggle a lot still, to be a parent, to be a partner, to be ok being me with all my mental health issues, to be ok with life at times, and I really struggle with not having you here. I know we all do, I see it, though we don’t often talk about it as a family, I will say we’ve become closer than we were before you passed. You were the glue that kept us together, and since then, we’ve held on more than I thought we would have. I think Johnathan would have been a fun one for you too, I think I’d have enjoyed having time with him too, he seems so happy, I hope he stays that way. Maybe later today I’ll go get street tacos or In-N-Out for you; it’s hard to be at work today, I’d much rather be sleeping through today, not having to put on a fake smile and work. You were my person to talk to when things were hard in my head, when life felt suffocating and unbearable, you’d remind me so simply that life wasn’t as bad as it was in my head and things could always get better. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that it’s been nearly 5 and a half years since we last talked, feels hard to think about, still hurts really bad, more every time such a big event happens in life and I can’t call you to share it with you, I can’t have you there to experience it. I’m tired Mom, I feel old, my body and heart ache constantly and I never know if I’m doing well, if you’d have been proud of anything I’ve done the past few years.
Later Days.
“We sit outside and argue all night long
About a god we’ve never seen
But never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa’s joined the mob
And happy with her full time job
Do do do do do do
Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?”