Christmas Eve everyone, this is not a drill.
I say that like I have some wild plans or something, when in reality I’m just taking my daughter to her mom and then sitting at home. I’ll do what I can to distract myself, to not dwell or push my feelings down, to feel and accept and move on from them, that’s all I can do. Last night I spent wrapping presents, won’t get to see half of them get opened but I don’t want them to feel left out. I wish I knew where my son was, what he liked, hell anything about him more than, he’s good, he’s excited for Christmas, we’re putting together a swing for him, he’s good. Last year somehow still felt ok, even though things were a mess, we were living in different places, it still felt ok because at least we were all together, sans my oldest, but Jill, all of our kids, we were together.. but not this year. This year I will drop off our daughter, briefly visit our son, then drive back home alone, to spend the night alone, trying to not think about what she’s up to, if the kids are listening, getting excited playing Santa and putting out presents… None of that this year, just me, alone..
Today my daughter has surprised me by climb out of her playpen, open her door, and position a paint can by the door to reach another doorknob… she is way too smart, it’s frightening sometimes haha.. I was laying on the couch this morning, getting my day figured out when she just walked up to me, surprised the hell out of me, it’s like she went to bed our little baby and woke up a little person, so smart and fearless, a handful for sure, but I wouldn’t trade her for the world. Makes me wonder what our son is going to be like, Nikolas, he’s only 6 months old… It’s tough, he’s the same age as my oldest son the last time I seen him.. and he’ll be turning 3 at the end of the month.. It’s no lie when they say kids grow up so fast… these years have flown by, all with their share of ups and downs, this being a year of particularly significant downs… but our son was born, healthy, happy little thing, and that was a major high point.. It was really a turning point for me, realizing I needed to do better, for myself, for the kids, for Jill… It’s too late though, so it’s gotta be for me and the kids now, and that’s more than enough reason to not be the person I was. Hopefully next year I can connect with both my sons more, it would be nice to feel closer with them, my oldest in particular. Christmas Eve continued as it does, I got our daughter ready and brought her to Jill’s house, it was tough seeing someone else’s stocking up on the mantle of the fireplace instead of mine… I noticed it the other night I’d been there to visit our son, but seeing it there on Christmas Eve really kind of killed me. I did my best to just focus on visiting and then going home before her family’s Christmas Eve Party/Traditions started, made me feel sad not getting to be a part of them, knowing I was going home to be alone, on Christmas Eve…
Christmas Day
I got up early and made breakfast, chorizo and eggs, and then headed to Jill’s to be there when the kids opened presents and visit. I had a few presents for each of them so it was nice they got to open them before going to their dad’s. Jill’s mom was there and hung out a while, which was kind of tough considering I wanted to talk to Jill about things, but it was nice to see her too, she was really caring and sensitive to the fact that my mom was gone the whole time Jill and I were together, and she’s still there for me, in the limited capacity she can be. After she left, Jill and I had a long talk, about everything, the way things are, the way things are going, the fact that even though we both love each other the same way, we can’t be together right now.. It was hard, but at the same time, I felt a little lighter after our talk, like maybe I got some closure I was lacking. Still don’t like the situation, but I have to respect it. When talking was concluded, I gathered up our daughter and headed home, felt bad our daughter was going to spend the day with me while I was sad, it always makes me feel bad, but I tried to be cheery for her. Christmas was really hard without my- our little family.. I cried a lot when it was just me at home, the days leading up to it, and Christmas Eve. I really struggled with it that night, ended up removing Facebook and Messenger from my phone, it was hard seeing all the happy families and Facebook Memories it likes to show, reminding me of when I was there for Jill’s family traditions, when we laid out powder for the kids to see Santa’s footprints, them opening presents on Christmas morning… It was rough.
I know New Year’s is going to be really tough too, ringing in a new year by myself, ringing it in without Jill, knowing she’s with her new guy.. so many thoughts it hurts haha I’m not going to list them though.. Maybe I’ll just go to sleep on time that night. It’ll be Johnathan’s birthday on the 31st, maybe I’ll get to video chat with him..
Anyway, sorry this droned on, I’m hoping to start having better posts about happy things, but to be honest, this is just where my life is right now,
Later days.
“Your good intentions slowly turn to bitterness
Reoccurring episodes with each and every kiss
I can tell you’re going through the motions
Figured you were writing out your part
Once again we’re playing off emotions
Which one of us will burn until the end.
Catalyst you exist to pull me down,
You contradict the fact that you still want me around,
And its all downhill from here,
And its all downhill from here”