January 2nd
I really hoped to start the year off with a positive post, but life is saying otherwise… Today I met up with Jill to have our youngest tested for Covid, and he tested positive, he’s only 6 months old and I'm really worried.
This isn't the kind of thing I need right now, life is hard enough these days without having to worry about our 6 month old son having covid, it breaks my heart to hear his coughs or wheezing, his little face showing pain just doesn't feel fair.. he's our little fighter, fought to have his place in life and he's still fighting, nothing is going to stop our little boy, but I'm still scared, I'm still worried, I'm still in pain over seeing him in pain and so miserable.. and I only got to see a little bit of it, he's with Jill, so it's even harder and I feel even more upset, I know I can't do much to help him but it's hard not even be able to be with him…
On top of that, I'm just incredibly sad about where things are at with Jill.. I didn't want to write another post being so down but it is so hard..
January 3rd
I’m currently waiting in line to get myself and our daughter tested for Covid, we’ve both been a little under the weather, fever and congestion, and with Nikolas being positive, we figured it would be best to get checked.. It’s hard doing this alone, not having Jill to help, she’s doing what she can, but it’s not the same.. Nothing is the same and everything feels wrong, but I can’t do anything about it if I want to hold on to hope, otherwise my only option is, as my Christmas gift from Cory states, “Sometimes you need to say Cluck It and walk away,” it’s a pair of socks, kind of a tradition between myself, Jill, Cory and his wife April, we started it the first Christmas Jill and I got together, so we’ve done it for a minute.. Yeah, only two options, hold on while she’s in a relationship with someone else and trying to decide between the two of us, or just walk away.. And I’m not ready to walk away yet, I know I get close sometimes, I hate having my value be based on what she thinks, being compared to someone else, it doesn’t feel right, her still being in a relationship with him while she decides, doesn’t feel fair.. yet here I am, letting her call the shots because I don’t feel I have any right to argue, after all, it’s my fault she left, it’s my fault she moved on, it’s her choice to even consider giving us another shot..
Sorry, need to talk about something else; I am thinking of what each month should be in terms of improving my life, my work, my progress, and my business ideas. It’s still early in this month, so I’m going to put some time into figuring that out. I think more test prints would be a good thing, maybe try to put some prints on the website to start selling? Does anyone even come here anymore? If you do, leave a comment and let me know if you’d be interested in some prints, maybe I’ll hold a promotion for the first 20 people, 10 art prints and 10 photography prints, winner’s choice. I will have to see if I even have 10 finished pieces to put of for the art print options.. Well, if I’m positive for Covid, I’ll be staying home so maybe I’ll get some time to get things going with this? I don’t think I will be, but with my luck I probably will be.
Hours Later
Well, our tests came back as negative, but we’ll be getting tested again tomorrow, my daughter still has a fever, she’s getting worse, and with having had my son over here from like Thursday to Saturday, we likely have Covid as well. At the very least, I won’t be able to go to work this week since there’s a Covid positive case I’ve been around and I am showing signs of having a cold. This has been a rough day, I’m upset about the situation with Jill, I’m upset I can’t be with my son while he’s so sick, I’m upset I’m having to try to do this alone while she has her new boyfriend there… it just doesn’t feel fair. I get that it’s my fault, but I’ve been working hard to improve myself and show that I won’t ever be the person I was before, for myself and our kids.. I’m upset this “opportunity at a fresh start” is more important than our own fresh start, where our family can be together again, we can be a team again.. She’s relented and admitted she does still love me, but really cares about him and doesn’t want to hurt him because she thinks she wants to be with him, so she’s giving herself time to think and feel through things to decide who to be with.. while being with him still.. and he’s being sooo understanding; not hard to be when you’re only invested in a situation for a month and getting everything you wanted from her still… Anyway, sorry, I need to refocus on something else. My daughter is sleeping so I can’t do much around the house today, and I don’t want to go to the garage while she’s so sick and I don’t have anyone else that can watch her, so we’re hanging out on the couch. To be honest, I probably need a day like this anyway, where it’s just me and her taking it easy, though I wish it’s as under better circumstances instead of us being sick.
Maybe tonight I’ll try to reassemble the large format printer and see if I can get it going… If I could, I will be in business! If I can’t, well, I’ll have to take my business elsewhere and that’ll be a cost I don’t want to think about. It’s a cost I’ll have to swallow though if I want to start selling prints! I’m excited at the prospect of selling some of my work, but I’m still not as confident as I should be with my work..
Later that night
So later that same night, I would head to Jill’s house to help take care of her and the kids, it was nice to have everyone in one place, even for a few days.. wish it lasted longer, selfish as it is. I was there something like four days, five nights; we were both struggling having our kids sick but only being able to be there for one of them, so we agreed to be together while we took care of all of them, just team work through it like always.. Jill ended up getting really sick so in the end it was me taking care of everyone, but I didn’t mind..
January 18th
Now, a lot of things have happened since then, most of all, I let go. Jill went with me to speak to my therapist and the therapist told Jill she needs to either make the choice to stay, stick it out and get through all this with me, or she needs to walk away and not come back, the back and forth is tearing me apart and not healthy.. So Jill did just that, she walked away, and I closed the door, just let go of her, gave up trying.. It’s been hard, harder than I need right now, but I need to stand on my own two feet more, I need to move on from the past I can’t change, move on from her.. I’m tired, I’ll tell you that much, any more than that and I just don’t know.. we’ve had some rough talks since then, and a few good ones, this morning being a good end. I truly wish nothing but the best for her, I’m going to focus on myself now, and maybe life will find us together again, maybe it won’t, just maybe.. and that’s enough when you’re ready to let go.
In other news, our daughter may have Hand Foot Mouth Disease, so that’s a lovely surprise after covid.. Thanks 2022, no breaks to breath this year, huh?
January 24th
I’ll get this post out today, hopefully, things have just been crazy for one reason or another. Over the weekend I gave Jill a hand with the kids, and we decided to take a little road trip to Jack-In-The-Box because we were feeling a little stir crazy, though sitting in a car for the two and a half hour there and two and a half back in the 4Runner wasn’t the greatest idea but it was nice. Some comfort food and good talks, just some funny little memories made along the way, felt nice to feel like life was a little bit normal again. Our daughter’s HFMD is looking a lot better and she’s been less fussy, though between all the kids, it was a pretty sleepless weekend, they all took turns waking up throughout the night haha.. A good weekend, a hard weekend, an emotional one at times, but felt good to be a team with Jill and take care of the kids, made me really look at the past and think about how much I screwed things up, how much I took for granted with her, it’s tough looking yourself in the mirror and not looking away when you see all the ways you screwed up or hurt someone.. I hope things can find a way to a better place for us, preferably together haha but I understand if that doesn’t happen, I just want her to be happy and healthy.. Possibility of us isn’t really a possibility, unfortunately, too much pain and resentment still, but she says it’s getting worked on, but it still feels like even a possibility is a long way off, let alone dating and giving things a chance again. It’s tough, I know if one of us walks away, it’s truly over, and even though we’re not together, we’re focusing on our own things, we’re still there for each other a lot, and that’s enough for now, but at times, it feels like too much emotionally, it feels painful, being reminded all the time that we aren’t together, that we may never be, I get it, I know these things, it makes me feel almost guilty for enjoying being around each other and feeling sparks of hope. All in all, just trying to let life happen the way it happens and not stress too much about things I can’t control.
Anyway, at the end of the day, I need to keep my eye on the ball, focus on healing, growing, and not being the person I use to be, being someone better, for myself, for my kids, to give Jill peace in a way. It can get hard, I can miss Jill, but ultimately I need to keep my focus on myself. An interesting side effect.. I feel a lot more, that cold feeling I get from depression when I start to spiral or little things just making me cry a good hard cry haha it’s been real fun… Not sure if I have the kids tonight, but I think I’ll spend some time on the Large Format Printer to see if I can get it going, maybe get the sterilizer going for the tattoo equipment, just get things moving with ways I can make some extra money.
January 28th
So I didn’t get this post out when I said I would, I’m a procrastinator, I know, it’s bad when I’m feeling more depressed, which seems to be the trend right now. I did try to do some test prints on cardstock, which unfortunately didn’t go the way I’d hoped. Still, a fun experiment nonetheless, the print itself looks pretty solid for just being a large office printer, nothing special. Maybe I’ll take some work to a Print Shop and get a few samples going. Anyway, I think that’s about it for now, maybe this weekend I’ll find some time to work on the Large Format Printer so I can really get things moving. Month is almost up and I haven’t managed to get much done in terms of projects around the house or with my side businesses, but I did get some key pieces, like an autoclave.
Anyway, I need to get out of this funk and get things moving if I want things to go anywhere for me this year. Should be decent weather this weekend, mid 40s, so maybe some work in the garage when the kids are sleeping, get the tattoo station set up, who knows.
Later days.
“All my life, I was told, I was never nothing special
I don’t need to be reminded of it every other second
’Specially when all my self-esteem’s
Already shot to hell, I’m falling helplessly
I’m embarrased, I don’t want no one else to see
’Cause I feel like I’m a piece of shit every time she yells at me
Selfishly addicted, definitely doesn’t help that she
Makes me feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven
But makes life a living hell for me
She does that thing with her lip, now she’s melting me
I’m putty in her palms, I’m wrapped around her finger
A yo-yo on a string, she lets me sit there and just dangle
Until something better comes along
And she’ll just drop me like a hot potato
I look like I’m in pain, but I’m okay though
’Cause I know she loves me, my friends, what do they know?
It’s like I’m drowning at sea
Hoping that you reach for me
I know you’re there, but I can’t see
’Cause I’m so drunk off tragic endings
I’m dying to breathe
And all you do is strangle me
Such a beautiful relief
’Cause I’m so drunk off tragic endings
(Drunk off tragic endings)”