So my birthday has come and gone, just another tick on the wall of my life, counting the days and years as time passes.
It was a pretty good birthday, spent a lot of the day with A, someone I have been seeing, running around taking care of this and that, then my sister surprised me with having our dad, Shaelynn, and Cory at the house to hangout and play some Mario Kart and Smash Bros, which was a nice chill way to spend the evening. She went pretty all out and decorated the living room and kitchen in green and black streamers and balloons. It was really cool and more than I expected for my birthday, especially this year, so that was refreshing. Cory got me this awesome Spawn action figure that he added labels to so it says Spawnzalez all over it haha, it wasn’t something I’d been expecting, but somehow Cory always comes through for holidays and birthdays with these awesome gifts.. I really need to be sure to get him something nice and meaningful this year, things are in a better place in my life and he’s a really great friend. Seeing Shaelynn was really cool, I seen her on Mother’s Day when she was passing through after visiting with her family, but it’s always a pleasure to see one of my oldest friendships in person.
For the most part, it feels like it came and passed without much commotion, much like Mother’s Day, which was hard in it’s own ways. Something surprising about my birthday coming to pass was just how little it felt like anything changed. Normally after my birthday I just feel older and more tired, exhausted to my core, but this year it just felt like a Tuesday, no extra weariness, no weight added to my shoulders, just a Tuesday. On Mother’s Day I took the kids to Jill in the afternoon and spent some of the day with A, and the evening just at home thinking about life. I had wanted to plant sunflowers in memory of my mom, but I just didn’t get around to it, didn’t want to or wasn’t ready. I did however mow the lawn, which the weeds definitely needed. I want to get the house looking better, but every time I get the motivation, I end up feeling kind of down about the whole thing, doing it on my own at a house that wasn’t suppose to just be mine. That’s almost two years past though, need to let that mentality go.
May has become a reminder of the people lost and gone, my mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and brother. We use to have a month full of birthdays, but now it’s just me.. It is what it is I suppose, just a part of life.
Later days.
“Hello, my old heart
How have you been?
How is it being locked away?
Don’t you worry, in there you’re safe
And it’s true, you’ll never beat
But you’ll never break
Nothing lasts forever
Some things aren’t meant to be
But you’ll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free
Until you set your old heart free”