If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 31 years, it’s that time never stops, it’s constantly moving forward, even when life does stop, time waits for no-one.
I picked up the battery for the 3000GT, installed it, got the window up, and fiddled around with it but couldn’t get it to start, seems like it’s not getting fuel. I did manage to find a couple blown fuses before it got too dark and cold to keep working, but I’m definitely looking forward to some time with it. Maybe this weekend I’ll get the chance to just focus on my projects. I took apart my cousin’s amp and cleaned it up, fixed a broken connector, that thing only looked that good when he first got it. I’m hoping to do the same with the 3000GT, just clean it up, bring it back to when he first got it. I thought I’d be using my tax return to get parts for my 300zx, but I think the 3000GT is going to take priority.. I think my Aunt and I need that car running, to feel that connection to Andrew, to keep some part of him going. It’s a fresh new month, fingers crossed it’s a better one than last month.
I couldn’t sleep the other night so I disassembled an original Gameboy, a Gameboy Advance SP, and a 3DS, to clean them, yup… it’s what I do when I’m stressed or can’t sleep, I disassemble things and clean them. Feel like I’m sinking again but hopeful that a fresh month will give me the opportunity to get things rolling. I’m ordering the parts I need for the Large Format Printer this week, I paid off some debts too, so I have a little more breathing room with my paychecks now. I will say my place is feeling much more put together, put a few good days into just putting stuff away and organizing, maybe I’ll post pictures, if anyone expresses interest.
My dad’s birthday was last Saturday, February 27th, he turned 62. It was nice to visit with him and catch up, my sister was there too, we kept making my dad laugh, reciting lines from Forrest Gump, just something that was on for background noise, I’m surprised how much of that movie my sister and I remembered. We talked about work, how I decided to turn down the part time job because I didn’t want my daughter to grow up and remember me being too tired to spend time with her, something I vividly remember growing up. He told me about how he decided he didn’t want to do graveyard shift anymore, which I am glad he decided to stop. My dad started telling me about his plans, traveling he wants to do in the next few years, I told him how the other day it dawned on me that for a while before and after my daughter was born, I was a little sad. I was mourning the fact that I can no longer just up and go when I want, no more carefree, devil may care attitude towards what I do, no spontaneous trips just for the hell of it. I also told him that I was surprised when one day, I was ok with that, I was happy that I get time with my daughter, that even the fact that I turned down a part time job, money, because I wanted to enjoy time with my daughter, it surprises me how much I’ve changed in some aspects. I could tell he was a bit sad when I brought up that I didn’t want my daughter to grow up with a father that was working a lot and too busy or tired to spend time together, I know he knew I was thinking of how I grew up, my dad working two jobs, swings for a long time, and I didn’t see him much, he was usually sleeping till about my bedtime, then he’d be heading to work. I know he did it because he wanted to provide us with a good life, and I respect him for that. He said he was glad I choose time with my daughter over another job, over money, and that I really need to figure out how to get time with my son.
I tried explaining that it’s tough, that anytime I try to talk about child support, the conversation dies, that I don’t feel like he even knows who I am. I know my dad sees a lot of himself and his situation with my brother Ryan in the situation with my son, and I fear it will follow similar footsteps. I need to visit him this year, he needs to meet his little sister, and little brother by that point, it’s just hard, going to California, it’s like reopening a wound. Especially knowing I’d have to say goodbye to him again, not knowing when I’d see him again. Hell, that’s if his mom would even allow it, she says she wouldn’t stop me from seeing him but who knows.. Getting older is tough, I never expected it to be easy, but I never imagined it would feel this heavy, the choices would be this hard, the pain at times would be so great.
Well, anyway, this will be a pretty productive month, I think. Focusing on one job, in addition to getting the 3000GT running, the Large Format Printer going, my place more put together, and prepping the 300zx as much as I can. Going to be a lot of runs to the north where family lives, and the 3000GT, I feel like everyone is still pretty worried about me, but I’m doing what I can to reassure them I’m hanging in there, just feeling older, weight of things feeling heavier, but I’m still standing.
Later days.
“We bought some wine and some papercups
Near your daughter’s school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill
On a hill
And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
And she laughed and danced through the field of graves
There I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright”