Interestingly enough, I apparently wrote this post on the 5th of December, but I don’t remember writing it, it must have been during a manic episode..
If I’m honest, it’s probably ego based, but the hardest part about moving on after a relationship ends, especially one that you projected as your future, envisioned and planned on… is that at some point, sooner or later, you will never again be a thought in their mind. This person you cared so deeply for, will be gone and move on, to find a new person that means more than you did, means more than the damage you did, all because you didn’t have that hindsight knowledge of why you are the way you are has been so detrimental to someone else, someone you cared so deeply for. The proverbial door has been closed, and you just have to accept that.. because how do you argue against that? Your actions caused a situation that didn’t work for others, and they left… and that is fair, that is ok for them… but where does that leave you?
It’s funny how the expression hindsight is 20/20 can just feel like a curse… and it’s funny just how much people can grow and change… I use to be so wrapped up in believing my value was dictated from others, scared to be my own person, voice my own thoughts, to trust others that cared about me, smothering them in the processes.. not believing the value they seen and felt in me.. it cost me a lot, an entire life that will never be, if I’m honest. What sucks is that my first major relationship is the benchmark I subconsciously compare every relationship to afterward… a big reason why I have Abandonment Issues… maybe it’s because I never got closure, maybe it’s because even when I tried to let it be and walked away, her husband threatened me, and me being a minority, the lesser in society’s eyes, I accepted the accusations and threats and felt powerless, something that probably resonated with the way the relationship ended.. Maybe it’s because I let myself open up the way I have never again been able to that colored every relationship afterward.. In reference to that hindsight remark.. the traits I showed then, in my late teens and early twenties, they’re nothing like the person I became.. It sucks to think that I was deemed not worth the work at a stage in life it’s perfectly normal to be finding yourself, beyond the fact that I was learning what it means to be diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. Since then the list has had some additions: ADHD, Bipolar Type Two, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear of Abandonment Issues, and possibility of being on the spectrum… These things played a much bigger role in why things ended with Jill; my handling of them not being, well to put it frankly, in any way, shape, or form acceptable…It’s tough to be given up on when you’re learning about your new normal, you’re learning what it means to suffer with all these different things, but it’s even harder to put someone through years of pain and neglect and beg for them to stay, because you were conditioned to push down everything and suffer silently through it, to put pain and loss off to deal with another day, to self medicate with coping mechanisms that ultimately just hurt the people in your life.
You can’t ask for someone to take a leap of faith when all you’ve done is shatter their trust time and time again. That’s really tough when you’re finally figuring out how to do better, how to manage your conditions in healthy ways for a change, when you’re undoing decades of pain and bad coping mechanisms and shitty ways of making yourself numb to life so that you don’t have to feel pain. It’s really tough to go that journey alone when you had someone that tried their hardest to be there for nearly four years while you were too busy self medicating with dopamine and serotonin fixes in the wrong ways, doing whatever you could to not want to kill yourself, to put it bluntly. When your deep seated Abandonment Issues made you quit every time just to have her pull you back, how can you even think you have a snowball’s chance in hell of convincing her that things would be different now, that you’re doing better, that you deserve her after everything you put her through, how could you think you deserve another last chance?
You don’t, and you know it, and it hurts to hear that but you need to. Hey, hang in there, keep doing the work, keep getting better, you’ve come a long way already, you’ve got little ones that look up to you, and nobody deserves to go through what you put her through.
You’re going to carry that weight.
Later days.
“You could be happy and I won’t know
But you weren’t happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops till it’s madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I’d been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it’s all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back; don’t think, just do
More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world”