“Do you ever put anything in your body besides caffeine?” A comment made by an elderly kitchen worker at the hospital I work at. I had to laugh and say, “no, not really” because from how it looks, I don’t really ingest much outside of caffeine, especially on work days, until I get home, then maybe I’ll eat something. I just haven’t had much of an appetite lately, maybe it’s stress, maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s lack of motivation for self-preservation.
I feel like my mental health, my emotional health, is deteriorating. I’m not happy with life right now, I’m constantly tired, often feeling sick, just worn down, but I keep going. The problem is life isn’t that bad; I have a decent job that gives me freedom, I honestly NEED that in a job, I can cover my bills just fine, things are mostly fine but I’m not happy, and I’m not doing well. It takes me so much time to get the motivation to do my job, a job I mostly like, a job that gives me what I need from a job, it’s not what I want, but it gives me what I need in a job. I get on track and my feet under me, but then I just give up for a while, with work, with my health, with life. I can’t find anything to listen to that’ll distract me, I have no appetite, I just exist and watch the days go by.
I hate feeling like this, and I hate even more that this seems to be all I talk about on here. It was meant to be my adventures, my art, my photography, my passions, my projects.. I haven’t touched my camera in months, can’t get myself to draw; I have so many projects I’ve started but can’t get myself to finish, everything is just half disassembled, trying to find the problem.
First part was written 03/15/21, UPDATE: 03/17/21
I have ordered the parts I need for the 3000GT, they should be here Friday, hopefully that gives me the win I need to get feeling a bit better.. I’ve always had this ability to just push through and get done what needed to be completed, stress be damned, but I can’t seem to do it right now. I’m unraveling and I can’t help it. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed and I don’t know why. Looking at what I need to do at work, it’s not much, if I could just get myself to do it; instead, I let it pile up and pile up because I end up sitting at my desk, sick with stress and it snowballs. I need to get out of this, I need a mental health day, but I don’t even know what that would look like anymore. It use to be just hanging out with friends, visiting my mom, going to lunch with Chris and having a beer, catching up, feeling myself decompress; I don’t have that anymore, I’m always so tightly constricted, what is going to go wrong next, what am I going to fight about now, what major disaster is going to happen in the hospital now, etc.
I need a win, I need a break, before I break.
What the worst thing about this is that things aren’t even that bad; good job, decent pay, my own place, on top of my bills with money put away, freedom to buy something if I so feel, a good car that I don’t have to stress if it’s going to work everyday. I have a good relationship with my daughter’s mom, Jill, and our baby boy is growing well, all things considered; I don’t have the best relationship with my son’s mom, Molly, but I at least know she’s doing what she can for him, even if it means he is so far away and doesn’t know me.. Things aren’t that bad, yet I can’t seem to be happy, I can’t seem to get myself above water, I can’t keep my mental state from fraying. I hate that I’m just ranting, just yelling at the sky, frustrated at myself for being stuck, for not doing better, for letting my depression cripple me. This isn’t the person I want to be, it’s not the father I want my kids to see.. I want them to see someone happy, successful in the goals and dreams he pursues, in a career he genuinely loves..
I need a change, something has to change, I can’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry, to any readers out there, just listening to me bitch and moan about nothing, I hope I have a better post after the weekend. Take care, of yourself and the people in your life.
Later days.
“She said I think I’ll go to Boston
I think I’ll start a new life
I think I’ll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I’ll get out of California
I’m tired of the weather
Think I’ll get a lover
And fly him out to Spain
I think I’ll go to Boston
I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I’m tired of the sunset
I hear it’s nice n the summer
Some snow would be nice”