I’m not really sure what to say, life feels like it’s stuck in a purgatory, wake up, get ready, get my daughter ready, drive to daycare, drive to work, try to accomplish something with no idea what I’m even here for, get off work and rush to daycare, then head home, feed my daughter, get her ready for bed, pick up before going to bed. And repeat. Again. And again. The weekend, get up, take care of daughter, go to appointment with therapist in the middle of the day, throw off entire day, entertain my daughter, get her fed, ready for bed, pick up. Just the same thing over and over, with no real way to change anything. This is life.
I’m listless and apathetic, very depressed and under stimulated, wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I had time for myself. That’s not to say there’s nothing to do, there’s a good size list of things to do before winter comes, but on the rare occasions I have time, I’m too depressed to do anything, except laundry for some reason, I do that often enough and it’s probably the one thing I do around my house besides pick up after my daughter. I feel like everyday the full weight of what my life is gets heavier, the weight of my choices brings me down even more. I screwed up and a lot of people were hurt by it, and I don’t really have anywhere to turn. Jill made a really good point, about how my friends aren’t really there for me, the people I considered friends, people that were in my life the past 5 or 6 years, none of them have reached out to me, in all these months, all these years. The few friends I do have, the ones that sent congratulations when my son was born or even know I bought a house in July, even they are a rare interaction these days. Hell, one friend that reached out, I can’t even really talk to because I wasn’t able to be a good friend and my impulsive nature crossed a line with them, not physically, but words were enough to cause pain.
That’s my cycle; get depressed and lonely, reach out to people, make these temporary friends I end up sexualizing and crossing lines with, then they go away and I’m still alone and lonely, so I reach out to more people, just over and over. It’s something I’m not letting myself do this time, as over as thing are with Jill, I don’t want to go back to being the person I was, I don’t want that serotonin and dopamine fix that goes away just as fast as I get it. I want healthy relationships in my life, I want healthy coping mechanisms, I just wanted them too late to stop all the pain my shitty coping mechanisms caused. At the end of the day, it was me, I screwed up, hid it, tried to forget about it, but as these things go, the truth comes out and I lose everything, I hurt everyone, and I get that clarity that comes when you’re at bottom; I am alone, nobody really knows what’s going on in my life, and that’s just life as a product of my life choices, ones I have to live with. Change takes time, but I’m doing better than I have, with my choices, better late than never they say, but that doesn’t account for the pain caused, it doesn’t just go away and everything is fixed.
I’m rambling now, I guess I just have a lot on my mind and nowhere to go. Family is trying to be there for me, my Aunt Theresa is even helping me go to therapy, but I don’t have a support system, something my new shrink called Reactive Attachment Disorder, add it to the list.
And here we are, another week and I haven’t posted this, I guess I should do that.
This past weekend wasn’t too bad, mostly. I got to see my friend Ria Friday evening, a friend of many years that moved to San Francisco a few years back, and my sister came over too so she could get some stuff moved into her room. I’m renting out a couple of the rooms in the house since it’s pretty empty, I won’t really have the time or money to do what I want with the rooms for a few years probably, so I figured the help would be good, the mortgage is pretty insane. It was nice to catch up with a friend, a good one, she left before Rosalie, my daughter, was born, I think Johnathan had just been born and taken to California around the time she moved out of Utah. She got to meet Rosalie, checked out the house, still feels weird to think I have kids and a house and I’m a grown up, we met when I was just entering my 20s and I guess I forget how much changes over the years, or rather I try not to think about it, hurts too much, all the people lost and mistakes, just a lot of pain.
The next day I had my appointment with the phsyciatrist and that was a tough appointment, and not just because I had my daughter with me, but it was a lot of tough things to hear. Hard stuff to think about, the relationship with Jill and the parts played on both sides, the pain caused and some that still lingers. Rosalie did pretty good during the appointment though, played with toys and drew a bit before putting everything away and saying bye. My sister came back over Saturday for most of the day and I got her room cleaned up so she could start moving stuff in and I had another visitor, my old boss Nico from a 3D Print Shop, he’s in a different field now but still plays with ideas of stuff like that, really smart guy, albeit not all plans work, he still keeps trying to improve the world, in his own way. He brought a friend of his with me, though I forget his name, he was close to my age, Nico being a fair amount older than me. It was nice, he told me about his new projects, the scope of them, it’s really cool and good to hear he’s doing well. Showed him around the house and he really liked the garage/workshop/extra room part of the house, I figured he would. After that I just picked up around the house, shampooed carpets, just get things done around the house. My sister got her room pretty set up and it’s crazy to see the space actually being used, but it’s cool, I hope it makes her happy to feel like she has a place of her own, in a way.
Sunday was a really nice, I got to spend time with my son, Nikolas, and Rosalie was so excited, she loves her Bubba, I definitely had my hands full with the two of them. Jill wanted to give me some time with him and she had a Friends Giving dinner with her friends that live in the area, so I got him most of the day and all night. It was really nice, it made me feel good. With such a busy weekend, I procrastinated making this sign for work, yeah don’t ask me what my job is there, I do a little of everything from the feel of it, but I got that done too. All in all, it wasn’t bad, hard to feel rested or well, but I enjoyed it.
That’s where life is right now, it’s tough, there’s a lot of hard days, I don’t talk about it much with people, but they can tell, at work, or my family, hell even Jill when she seen me Saturday was like, you look rough, and I just kind of shrugged it off saying I though I was looking pretty good that day. She said it more had to do with my voice and expressions, that they showed a lot of sadness. A lot of the time she thinks I’m just going back to how I use to handle life when things got hard or we split, going off and talking to women or sleeping around, but I’m not, it’s just me, and this month in general is a hard one for me.
Anyway, I guess I’ll post this.
Later days.
PS, the song the post gets it’s title from is a song Jill had sent me, “Think this is us?..”
“I never should have called
’Cause I knew you would leave me
But I didn’t think you could do it so easily
I never should have held your hand
On that cold rainy night
’Cause, further along, it would cause another fight
Stranger, that’s all I see
When I look into your eyes
A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be
Stranger, who knows all my secrets
Can pull me apart and break my heart
A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be”