November 6th, last time I published a post, wow, taking my sweet time, aren't I?
Things have been progressing my life life at a fairly rapid pace, though at times feels like so much is at a standstill. I'm still working at my awesome job, January 15th marks production on train 4 trucks and my first solo lead. Still dating, finally moving into my own place, so to speak. January 5th I'll be moving into one of the floors at Paul's, the Wendover Project, 4 story house, I'm excited but also a little nervous it'll be a repeat of my current situation with constantly helping others and not getting ahead in my own life. "Can't keep light myself on fire to keep others warm." 2017 has been a hell of a year, and I feel it coming to a close, it's been tough, but it's had spots of damn good times as well.
There are times I get down on myself, but a really impressive woman I'm dating keeps reminding me that even since we started talking, I've managed a lot, and that gives me a comfort. She actually has saved me a few times, from my own head and from a tough situation where I got thrown in jail, she handled it really well. Oh, I finally cut my hair too, that was pretty big, didn't show anyone for a short while, kept them all guessing haha. Just really been trying to put down a few roots for myself, trying to get sure footing with a good, stable system of people around me for a change, instead of flying by the seat of my chair into situations that invevidably end up really bad. I've been doing better of standing on my own two legs too, though still get a nudge once in a while, but I feel like I've been doing better about it.
2018 is going to be a big year, I can feel it, I am making sure of it. Hoping to do a few road trips, a trip to Switzerland for work, hopefully some good stories to tell. I'm nervous, but I'm looking forward to a fresh start, a year of growth and stability; hell or high water, I'm making 2018 my bitch. Enough letting life roll me, enough letting my depression and anxiety cause problems and sabatose things for me. I mean, I finally have a good job again, insurance, I'm getting court things knocked down, and yeah, I'm sure there'll be times I get knocked down, I may get hit pretty hard on Thursday the 28th when I go to court, or the week after on the 4th, but you bet your ass I'll get back up and keep moving forward with my big plans in mind.
So I started this a few days ago, it's 2018 now, 1:34AM, really trying to make this a good year. Court went well, nothing too crazy, just reset payments, a little breathing room. Next is January 4th at 8am, got in trouble for driving without a driver license, something that was revoked for helping some friends, long story, stupid mistake, hefty price. I'm hopeful, I need to be, I need things to work out.
This'll be my last year in my 20's, what does that even mean? Fuck if I know anymore.. I used to have these goals, in a previous life, when things were different, that by 30, I'd be all done with school, married, we'd have a kid soon, life would be so figured out and so damn good.. but life doesn't always go the way you imagine, the plays you made with someone sometimes become the plans they have with someone else. I'm 28, I'll be moving soon, I have a great job, I'm almost done with this shit show with court, I've gotten through some tough shit... but I'm lost as hell.
"Do you think I'll fade into memory, when this is all over? Will I be someone you think of, when time has run out? Or will I be lost in the world, forgotten like all the others?"
Something that came to me as the New Year started, I use to write poetry, feels like a lifetime ago, was definitely a different life alright.. I have this text in my phone, I send myself things that I think of, people rarely ever see it, most of it is stuff I'm trying to put to words when it comes to that woman I mentioned up there, shes great, Dana. I think we are both scared as hell, both been burned, neither wants to make a move, we both want to still do our own thing a while, so we both end up playing house while seeing other people, because it's somehow safer. New Year's Eve, before she went out with some guy and his friend for New Years, she came over and we had some time to ourselves. She did this thing, it was really so damn cute, something I didn't expect from her, and I thought it would be enough to get me through the night... but as time goes on, I start to chip away, she thinks I'm so damn good at this, dating, arguing like an adult, being calm and composed.. but I'm not, my depression and anxiety take hold so often, but she, seeing her, it makes me solid again, and part of me hates that, I don't like liking someone, I don't want to rely on that to get me through the day. I tried getting her to call when she got home, wanted to tell her to go outside and look at the moon, a "Super Blue Moon" or something like that.. Just wanted her to look at the moon, knowing I was looking too.
Anyway, it's a new year! So let's make this one our fucking year.
My goals:
Clear Debts
Finish with Court
$10k in Savings
Move the Z32
Learn 2 Languages
Make Photography Website
See More, Do More
Make time for Life to happen
Make more Art
Be Happy
Dear readers, all what, 4 of you? I hope this year brings you all the best things in life, you're reading this, which means I must mean something to you, and for that, I hope nothing but the best for you. Take care, Happy New Year!
PS, I'm sure I have rambled a bit and gone off topic, as well as lost the topic entirely, but it's been a tough night, I'm just doing my best to keep together.
“Poor old Grandad
I laughed at all his words
I thought he was a bitter man
He spoke of women’s ways
”They trap you, then they use you
Before you even know
Well, love is blind and you’re far too kind
Don’t ever let it show”
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger”