We are in April now, the time is flying so much faster than last year!
Small updates, I got the 3000GT running! Replaced the fuel pump, completely disassembled the interior, cleaned EVERYTHING, and then put it back together and took my Auntie Ann for a ride, I think it was something we both needed. It has been sitting for probably as long as my Z32 has been sitting, but I got it moving, and I can’t express the way I felt; my heart felt a little pain, that Andrew wasn’t there with me, learning how to fix his car, but I also felt a weight lifted, I could breath a little easier. My daughter’s face lighting up was probably one of my favorite parts, when I started the car, her little head whipping around and staring at it, revving it a little and just seeing her smile so big. I also took Jill for a ride in it, she said she hadn’t seen me that happy in a long time, and I felt it haha, I felt pretty good. I’m hoping to get the car registered this week so, then I can really start taking it out to stretch it’s legs.
We celebrated Easter yesterday, Jill’s parents invited us over so my daughter and I headed over and met Jill there. Did a little Easter egg hunt for Rosalie, actually took my camera out and used it, felt good to get it out, do something I enjoy that I haven’t been doing. I also got to check out Greg’s, Jill’s step-dad, new toy; a little mini soldering iron, and it gets hot FAST! I was honestly surprised when I seen it, I was like oh that’s interesting, nice compact design, could be useful. When he turned it on, it was ready in literally seconds, like the ones I’d used at L-3 years ago, and I love ones like that, but they were big and bulky, not sleek and simple like this one. I’m definitely going to have to pick one up for myself haha. It was nice being over there and just being able to relax, have a nice dinner, celebrate a holiday with Jill and her family, I haven’t been going out much or doing anything for the past two months aside from going to work and family stuff up north, not the fun kind, the funeral/fixing stuff kind, so being able to just hang out and relax was pretty refreshing. We may have gone overboard for Easter haha but it was nice, last year she wasn’t really interested, you know, being only 2 months old at that time. She was walking around so much, it was surreal to see her being so big, really hits home how much I missed out on with my son. I hope he’s doing well in Alabama, can’t remember the last time I got a picture of him, but Molly always says he’s doing well, so at least there’s that.
Work has been stressful, to say the least; it’s audit time so we’re prepping all the sites, which means working 7 days a week, in addition to them putting me on the On-Call list. Last Wednesday we had 3 tiers of bosses come in, in addition to the Philips Internal Auditor, so that was fun. I was over the dick measuring pretty quickly, though I did alright on the audit part, tried to play nice with the bosses that don’t know anything about what’s going on or what I’ve had to do to make things work here. I was definitely feeling under appreciated by the end of it, I guess that’s something I don’t do well with, not feeling appreciated in the workplace. I bring my own tools, I buy my own equipment, and they had the gaul to put their feet on my toolbox while talking down to me, it took a lot of restraint on my part to now leave. Jill’s daughter had to get COVID tested Thursday, but Jill was working and her daughter’s father REFUSED to take the day off, so I ended up taking the day off to watch her and take her to get tested. Got in hot water for not going to work Thursday or Friday, told me one more day like that and I’m out, but I didn’t seem to care. I’m looking for something new, hoping a few of the interviews I did pan out to a better place..
I’ve upped my visits with my doctors, my mental state isn’t doing too well, ended up having my prescription increased, so hopefully between more visits and stronger meds I start to feel a little better. One of my doctors tasked me with writing an Autobiography, Jill as well, though she doesn’t get why we need to. I get that it’s suppose to help us understand each other more, but it gives me a lot of anxiety; reliving so many things, struggling with the gaps in my memory, it’s going to be tough. I feel like a shit dad, when my depression is high, because I just want to lay in bed throughout the day. It’s not so bad if my daughter is napping and I do the same, but there are definitely times I’ll just go lay down and take her with me. I try to make up for it by playing with her when we get up, but I just feel bad I don’t want to go anywhere, just stay indoors with the blinds closed and my robe on. I should really practice guitar around her, she always seems to enjoy that. I’m trying though, so hopefully that counts for something. She’s getting really good at signing, we’ve shown her some of the basics like please, more, food, all done, but it would be nice to expand that and get really good for when our son is born. Crazy to think that in two and a half months or so, we’ll have our little boy here too.
I think I’ll try to work on the Large Format Printer tonight, I really want to get that going. I keep getting a hardware error but since it’s so old, it has trouble even interfacing to Windows 10, so I had to pull out my old laptops. I got about that far, but haven’t touched it in weeks, just been too depressed I guess. Here’s hoping I can get my ass in gear, I’m not really going to get much time off from work for the next while, and I can’t just keep letting my projects and hobbies pile up.
Later days.
“A slow strangle with my feet on the floor.
I’ve got 14 angels and I’m sleeping alone,
In the back of the cave, where the rest of us go to feel normal.
I call baby up, leave me alone.
I’m in pain but I won’t let you band-aid my wound.
I’m not at a stage where I can’t seem handle my own.”