You know what the problem with being human is? Being human.
That’s not to say I’ve known being anything else, but I will say there have been times it didn’t feel so damn hard. I haven’t even started the second job yet, but here I am, struggling to manage the depression to get my first job going. Last month I was just killing it, got so much done so early; this month I’m 4 days in and I haven’t touched my Preventative Maintenance work orders. I can’t seem to get here on time either. This is how it starts, my motivation is shot and I struggle to get up, then I struggle to get ready, I think it’s been about a week since I showered, then I struggle to care. Feels like, if I can’t find a jolt of something, a breakdown is eminent. Life just gets away from us sometimes, it’s a part of life, being human, having good days and bad days, but the world doesn’t stop spinning just because you’re having to use every bit of willpower to keep yourself employed, let alone alive. Don’t worry, I can’t hurt myself, I made a promise to my mom and it’s one I refuse to break, made it years ago after I seen the pain and fear in her and my grandmother’s eyes when I seen what my pain was doing to them. I just straighten up, stand tall, take a breath and keep moving forward. Jill was good at helping me when I got like this, just depressed, stressed, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure that’s part of why I’m struggling so hard, life feels so empty, I don’t really have friends to talk to anymore, and I don’t feel right burdening Jill with my life, my fears, my stresses, and my pain, when I put her through so much already. It ends up biting me in the ass though, not talking to her about these things, because I end up withdrawing, which makes it harder and more painful for her. Jill reminded me a lot of my mom, hearing how Freudian that sounds makes me laugh, but she did; incredibly caring, cheerleaders, hard on themselves, and incredibly forgiving. I miss my mom, a lot, it never goes away, and I miss Jill. Even if we talk everyday and we say we’re keeping the door open if we can find a way back, it doesn’t change how hard things are right now, how much pain I put her through, just being halfthere, being immature, letting old demons get the better of me, not being the person I could have been. I truly don’t know if we’ll ever work things out, might be for the best we just try to be good co-parents, but I do know I never want to be as callous as a person as I was then with her, or anyone else for that matter. I just want to do and be better, I want to have my depression and anxiety back under control, I want to have the drive I have on good days everyday, I want my kids to see me the way I see my dad, the good things, the caring nature, the hard worker, I feel like there was a time I was like that.
I guess I just wanted to express how I’m feeling, to remind everyone that we all have good days and bad days, we all have to stand tall and keep moving if we ever want to get to the better ones. I say everyone but in reality hardly anyone reads this, maybe it’s more for me than anyone else. I don’t know how I’m going to make my plans happen, I feel like I’m stuck reaching for such unattainable dreams; with my car, with my art and photography, with this website, but I’m trying.
“I’m sorry, what?
I hear you, yeah
I was watching the skin peeling off your sunburnt shoulders
I know, I know you only melt in the middle like ice cream and sunscreen
Blisters in the pit of my heart, blisters in the pit of my heart
Our birthdays came and went unnoticed, again
You said you knew my star sign from the start
That late September sunshine leaves me pining for June
December boy, you got it wrong”