It’s crazy how much your mental state can throw a wrench in everything, and a week on new medication can help take the edge off, even if it’s not likely possible to have it really make an effect in such a short amount of time, power of the placebo effect. Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, ADD Primary Inattentive Type, possible Biopolar 2 Disorder; it’s what I am, but at the same time, I am more than my diagnosis.
Since my last post, I talked to my doctors, got new meds, was given a bit of homework to do, the gist of which being, do the things you have to do, even if you don’t feel like it; eat consistently, shower regularly, take time to yourself to relax, go to work, on time, and try to accomplish something. He told me to think of it like a patient that’s recovering from surgery, you may not have an appetite, but you need to eat in order to give your body nutrients to heal, you may not want to replace the bandages because it hurts, but you need to in order to promote healing and keep it clean, etc. Looking at it in this light actually helped me, it gave me a mantra in a way, a simple enough straightforward path to take, and I’ve been trying to stick to it. I made it to work and stayed for my shifts, even started getting things picked up and ready to get moving again. I came in over the weekend with everyone and we worked on cataloging inventory to prep for our audit in May. I was productive with it, it felt good to see my bosses see that I was trying even though I was struggling, and that my hospital wasn’t in as rough shape as they feared it would be.
Saturday after work, Jill, our daughter Rosalie, and I headed up north for a family bbq, family on my side, and we drove Andrew’s 3000GT, just to show that I was working on it and getting it going. I could see it made my aunt really happy but also quite sad at the same time. I also showed her a picture of Andrew I’m working on, and it kind of broke her, and me, and we cried for a while, but she said it looks good and she can’t wait to see it when it’s finished. It was nice to be around family, and I think it helped my mental state a bit, even if it’s hard to see the pain still fresh for everyone.
Sunday was a yet another work day, starting at 6am, of which only myself and my boss Mike made it in at this time, everyone else rolled in around 8:30. It was actually a good opportunity to talk and get to know him better, I’m usually by myself at my hospital and he rarely comes by, but we talked a bit and it gave me a better impression of him. I also received something I haven’t in quite some time; pictures of my son!! He is getting so big! He has some really red hair too haha definitely not a trait from my side, but he looks happy and healthy. The pictures were his Kindergarten pictures, and Molly even said she’d send me some physical copies and a few extra for family. It’ll be nice to have another physical picture of him, the only one I currently have is from his 1st Easter, it’s on my fridge. After work I picked up my daughter from Jill’s house, it was my weekend but with working 7 days a week, I had to have Jill watch her during the day. I entertained her till bed time, she just wanted to walk around the house, picking things up and moving them around haha just wanting to be on her own. It’s fun seeing her be so independent, but also kind of hard.. haha.
It’s Monday now and I decided I’d swap cars today, putting the 3000GT in the garage and grabbing everything I need and putting it in the Subaru, or so I though, turns out I forgot my badge for work in the 3000GT haha.. Anyway, I made it inside and I’m feeling alright, put a few applications in to a few different companies, picked up my shop a bit seeing as how it got pretty messy having everyone over here this past weekend, and did a bit of research on Automotive Interior Repairing, have my work cut out for me with that 3000GT, it’ll be fun to learn a new skill. I’m still trying to get myself to work on the Large Format Printer, I’m just worried I put money into something that isn’t going to work, and it’s so old that parts are impossible to find. I’ve been working on artwork in the meantime so I have a good catalog of artwork ready to be printed. I was approached about doing some t-shirt designs and sent them some mock drawings to get some ideas going, but I haven’t heard anything back unfortunately.. It would be really nice to be able to do art and photography full time, but I’m barely getting back on my feet after years of scraping by, and I have responsibilities now, baby boy will be here soon too, late June/early July.
I guess I just wanted to say I’m trying, I’m hanging in there, and I’m doing a little better for it. “The good times don’t last, but neither do the bad, so don’t forget that even the bad days will end at some point,” something my doctor said that kind of resonated in me, spent so long feeling like nothing would get better in my head, that I’d never get a break from my mental health deteriorating. I’m seeing cracks in the dark though, getting a little light here and there, and it helps.
I’ll get to the place where I can say I’m ok.
Later days.
“If I could sing the way I feel inside
It’d sound happy and sad at the same damn time
’Cause when you smiled at me on that dance floor
It was the prettiest mask that you ever wore”