What a good feeling! I found pictures I was looking for that I’d worked on from my trip, and what a change life has gone through since then!
People have come and gone, friends I no longer hear from, people I’ve opened my life to, friends I was willing to do anything for.. and so many people I hurt, either by my actions, words, or a combination of the two. This coming year, I’m putting my best foot forward. I can’t change the past, I can’t bring back people that are gone, whether because of death or just different paths we took in life, all I can do is offer a silent apology to the wind and walk forward with my life, doing the good I can from here on. I want to be a good father to my kids, a good co-parent to Molly and Jill, a good son to my father, a good brother to my siblings, a good uncle, a good cousin, nephew, and really, I want to be a good friend again. I look back on things a lot, probably a problem of mine, holding onto the past; but looking back, I see a lot of pain I put people through, people that cared, cared about me. I want to do better, I want to be better, I want to be a person my kids can be proud of one day.
𝙶̶𝙾̶𝙰̶𝙻̶𝚂̶ PLANS FOR 2020!
One of my goals in 2020 was to do more art, especially digital work, and to get better at photography, emphasizing on processing my work and getting a good flow going in editing… Well, long story short, I got an iPad Pro 12.9 to help with that! When I’m not completely and utterly crippled by my depression, I do a lot of work on there, digital art, notes on things I want to do, etc. I just barely learned how to put pictures on there to edit, yes, I say barely because I got my iPad at the end of June. I bought the Apple Pencil Gen 2 the same day. These plans to do more art and photography will be continued in 2021, along with quite a few more plans.
On top of working harder with my art and photography, I want to get back to being physically and mentally healthy. There was a point before, during, and after my backpacking trip where I was keeping on my health, going to the gym, and just generally being pretty healthy. These days, not so much, the past three years my weight has gone as high as 197lbs, and when stress and depression has gotten bad, it’s dropped to the low 160lbs… Neither is really a good weight for being my height, 5’6.5”, yes, that half inch matters haha. Anyway, I’m not going to go full into that gym life again like when I was stripping, but I am going to do the 75 Hard, if you don’t know what that is, it’s online, not hard to find. 6 Rules to follow, and zero compromise, zero substitution, and if you fail to do the daily tasks, you start the count over back at Day 1. I think this’ll be good for me to get my feet back under me and my head right.
I’ve also done something that has definitely been years overdue.. I went through my contacts on my phone and my friends list on Facebook and removed a lot of people. It was liberating, but also quite sad, so many people that no longer respond, friends I always reached out to first to see how they were doing, it was necessary, can’t keep holding onto the past.
Speaking of not holding onto the past, I just signed a lease on a perfect townhouse for myself and daughter, it even has a garage. It’s exciting, and terrifying, and kind of sad, moving out of the house Jill and I moved into together, into a place of my own, no roommates, just my daughter on days I have her. It’s hard to walk away from plans and hopes and expectations, but it’s also kind of refreshing, knowing that both sides are doing what they can to heal and improve. I’m excited for this new chapter, and excited for this New Year; I have lots of plans in place, some I didn’t even mention!
Later Days!
“These humans all suck
I’d rather be home feeling violent and lonely
I’m not trying to sound so insincere
But the postcard that’s taped to the freezer reads “wish you were here”
How I wish I could disappear
I’m trying to find out if my words have any meaning
Lackluster and full of contempts and it always ends the same
Heads up”