I remember when I meant something to Her, and I think that's what hurts the most..
Tonight, December 5th, has been a bit of a bitter sweet reminder of life and how quickly things can change... A dear friend is in the hospital, the friend I'm staying with in San Antonio, their significant other, having to see them go through that, reminding me of not only how alone I am in my life, but of what I seen my dad go through, losing my mom.. I hope for a speedy recovery for my friend, she is so amazing, has always tried to help others and has been there for me, as has Jason, her SO. He left a few hours ago to fly back to Utah, just to be with her.. it's left me alone with my thoughts, a place I try to avoid, though, I know that's really one of the big things this trip is about..
I've been fortunate tonight, to speak with my best friend Chris, who moved to Philadelphia recently with his wife and son, with Molly, one of my other best friends, and with Meagan, she's been great, really enjoying getting to know her. The distractions have been nice, but ultimately, at times, it leads back to Her... Just not over her, why I don't feel comfortable going to anything new, letting myself try for Her really fucked me up lol it had been what, 3 or 4 years since I wanted anything serious with anyone? Gave my all and got shot to hell.. Anyway, it's thoughts like those that keep me awake tonight.. Seeing Jason so stressed and worried, seeing what my dad went through.. knowing what I've done and been through to still be alone.. makes me worried if there's anything worth it, if there's anything that'll work out..
Molly made me laugh earlier today, she said she won't be surprised when I move back to Seminole, TX haha.. apparently the best friend is already expecting me to go back there, that I found something worth hanging around for, so early in this Adventure.. Not saying I'm not exploring options, but it's too soon to even consider hanging up my backpack, I still have a lot of stuff to work through. I don't think I could live in Seminole, such a small place, so little around. I wouldn't mind passing through there again though, to be honest, Meagan would be reason enough to find myself back there, but we'll see how time progresses. She's cool, I like her, I'll enjoy getting to know her.
It really does kind of throw me for a loop that today is technically Tuesday, it has been only one week since I left Molly's Aunt Becky and Uncle John's place in Cedar Crest, New Mexico.. Chris made me laugh earlier, I said, "I can't believe where I am right now, who'd have thought I'd be here, on my trip, just going for it?" He responded with, "I knew you would, never doubted that you'd be doing this, you'd talked about it since we met, I knew you'd follow through with this." Hearing that really made me feel a bit of pride.. He's someone I really respect and know I could talk to about anything and he'd have some quip to respond with, some nugget of insight about me that I never made the connection on. I look forward to getting to Philadelphia and them. We also talked a little about Her, he knew who she was, we had a game night together and they were even rooting for things to work out for us... Anyway, we talked about things, how they've been since they left for Philadelphia, how they've been since I left, just caught up.. I really wish we talked more, Her and myself, hell, I don't even know if she looks at this thing, maybe it's for the best we don't talk much.. It was good to catch up, though it reminded me how alone I was at the present moment.. I feel like I knew being alone was going to be a constant theme in this, but damn, didn't think it would hit so often, so hard, so early on..
It's currently 1:28am, roughly 3 hours till I need to be up and getting ready for my cab to pick me up and get to the train station, closing the chapter on the Southwestern Chronicle, and starting the Southern Chronicle, beginning in New Orleans, Louisiana. Truly had no idea I would be here within a week of really starting this trip.. I suppose that's all that needs to be said, the rest will come with time, hopefully New Orleans is a good time, I don't really know what to expect.
Later days.
“On the corner of main street
Just tryin’ to keep it in line
You say you wanna move on, and
You say I’m falling behind
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?”