I am just going to copy and paste these from Facebook, it should fill in enough of the blanks. Maybe I’ll add more later, just really tired, life has been tough, don’t forget you have a support system that cares about you, use them.
December 8th
PSA: take care of your mental and emotional health, just because you have a disability, you don't get a free pass on the way you handle it, it doesn't mean your actions aren't hurting others.
I am doing the work right now, because I really screwed things up, and people got hurt, that's pain I caused because I wasn't responsible in handling my pain.. I had horrible coping mechanisms and it cost me the best person I've ever had in my life, in my corner, and she is going to carry emotional and mental scars that I caused, and that really sucks. I will likely never forgive myself for the pain I caused, to her or anyone else, just because I needed some serotonin and endorphins to make my crippling depression not feel so bad. I did that, instead of getting help at the first sign that my actions were hurting others. I don't know how I was so blind to have such a disconnect from my emotions from years of shoving them down so I could get through the day, instead of dealing with them in a healthy way. Worse part is when I could see the emotional damage I was doing but didn't go get help. I didn't know how to reciprocate basic human emotions, because I lived my life with the mentality of just keep shoving pain down and keep moving, instead of dealing with it in a healthy way.
Yeah, sadly, or fortunately, things ended with Jill a few months ago, yeah it was my fault, I put her through hell because I didn't take care of myself, I didn't seek help to get better coping mechanisms, and she paid that price, I am paying that price now, doing the work and really looking myself in the mirror.. it sucks, it is cripplingly painful, the realization and horror of the person I was, I was so emotionally stunted that I was emotionally neglecting her. And because I spent so many years cultivating my way of avoiding having to deal with pain in my life, I didn't get it, she would tell me, and it's like my brain didn't get it, do you know how damaging it is for someone mentally and emotionally to have to tell their partner that their actions are causing pain and all you get is equivalent of a blank stare?
Yeah, she is healing slowly in her own way, she's walking her own path forward, and that sucks, knowing I did that, I caused her to give up on us after she worked her ass off for us. I hope she's able to grow and overcome the pain I caused her, she deserves the best, and I ruined the possibility of being that.
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
Shortly after posting this, I would be driving to Jill’s house to park my car, get in hers, and was taken to the ER at St. Mark’s Hospital, Behavioral Health Services… I was not in a good place mentally, but, even after everything I’d put her through, she was there for me.. She got me the help I needed when I was close to breaking a promise I made to my mom about self-harm, I was not in a good place. My stress was high, I was not sleeping for days at a time, and I was not eating. I went from 185 to 153 at the time I was admitted to the hospital.
In line with my last post, mental health is important, being able to lean on a support system is imperative when you are struggling.. and having people that know you and care about you and can tell when you are not ok is important. Needless to say, I was not doing well, and of all the people, I didn't expect Jill to be the one that seen that.. I'm doing better now, but I wasn't in a good place physically, mentally, or emotionally Wednesday. After all we'd been through, all the ups and downs, the pain I put her through, she was there for me.
Wednesday I was admitted to St. Mark's Hospital, Behavioral Health Services, I was not in a good place, but I trusted Jill and trusted myself to know when I was in need of help. She took me to the ER and stayed with me till I was admitted to the psychiatric ward. Don't neglect your support system, don't neglect your health, eventually you will hit a breaking point and could do something irreversible, and that can cause your loved ones pain that will never go away. Find people you can trust to lean on when things get tough, when you need to let things out in a healthy way, it's better than trying to shoulder everything till you crumble. I have a long road ahead of me, but I don't have to do it alone, I have a support system and I'm going to do better about leaning on them if I'm not doing well.
So in short, have a support system you can trust to lean on, and that knows you and when you’re acting different, it can be the difference between life and death. Thank you Jill, we aren’t together, you’re moving on with life, but I’m thankful to know we’re still there for each other when it counts the most.
Later days.
“Some mistakes get made
That’s alright, that’s okay
You can think that you’re in love
When you’re really just in pain
Some mistakes get made
That’s alright, that’s okay
In the end it’s better for me
That’s the moral of the story, babe
(Oh-oh, oh-oh)
(Oh-oh, oh-oh)
(Oh-oh, oh-oh)
(Oh-oh, oh-oh)
They say it’s better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
That could be a load of shit
But I just need to tell you all”