Fuck.. I just don’t even know where to start.. I put this off till today, but I can’t anymore..
I don’t know if I even mentioned it, but this past weekend was suppose to be a really good one, had my daughter, had plans to visit family, my cousin Andrew in particular, and just all around have a nice Saturday catching up with everyone. My cousin Andrew had gotten in touch earlier in the week, needing help with his laptop and asking if I’d help him get back into cars, teach him with mine and help him learn on his Evo. I was excited, he was like my little brother and I was looking forward to getting together, it had been far too long. Friday I hit him up to say, hey I’ll be bringing my tools and some laptop chargers, we’ll get you going soon, I’ll let you know when we’re heading up… And later that night, or rather early Saturday morning, February 6th, about 3am, my Aunt Theresa called me, to give me the horrible news.. My cousin Andrew, my little brother, he was dead.. suicide.
The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, a lot of crying, a lot of drinking, just generally a huge mess.. I called Jill right after my aunt called me, asked her to come over because I wasn’t ok, I remember the phone ringing a few times before she sleepily answered.. I remember trying to find the right words so she didn’t think something was wrong with our daughter, I remember breaking down. She rushed over and was there for me, I didn’t deserve the kindness she showed, I never have.. Fuck. She went home later in the morning, took Rosalie with her so I could just get myself together, I had still wanted to go up north but when I did eventually get up later that day, I just couldn’t. I kept thinking about how my Auntie Anna would be doing, my god-mother, his mom, how hard this would be for her… how hard it was for me.. the fact that we’d made plans and I told him not to worry, that I’d help him get back on his feet, being excited to see him, to reconnect and him to meet my daughter.. felt like part of me died yet again, losing someone I cared so much about.. Everyone has been extra worried about me, it sucks, I can’t really do anything to reassure them either, my history of depression is pretty well known in the family, when I lost my brother and great grandma, I took it really hard.. when I lost my mom, I went off the deep-end for a while.. Losing Andrew, my cousin, one of my best friends, my little brother.. I just, I don’t know, it makes me hold my daughter a little tighter, makes me wish I could see my son laugh and play, makes me scared for my little boy on the way. Depression kills, and we have history of it in our family, it’s in our DNA, and Andrew was always such a fighter, so damn strong.
Sunday I picked up Rosalie and we made the trek up north, not really sure where to go first.. My Aunt Theresa said maybe take a minute before I go see my Auntie Anna, and yet somehow I stopped there first. We weren’t there for very long, but long enough to hold my Auntie Anna and cry with her for a while, to laugh about the good times with Andrew, to feel my heart break over and over whenever she said she just wanted her baby boy back… She held Rosalie and just talked about how much she looked like me and my mom, how much Andrew wanted to have kids, it was really tough. After saying goodbyes and heading to my brother’s for a while, life just felt surreal. It would only get more so when my Auntie Anna called and asked me to take my cousin’s Mitsubishi 3000GT SL, his first car, god he was so proud of it.. I gave him a hard time about it because at the time, I had my 300zx, rwd, and his was fwd, but I remember him still loving that car.. and well, when he got his Evo, it was leagues better than my old Zs.. but my Auntie Anna asked me to take it, take care of it, get it up and running again and I told her I would. She gave his best friend Mike his Evo under the condition he never sells and and he gets it going too, he reassured her he wouldn’t ever sell it.. I know I’m going to cry when I sit in that car for the first time, I know part of me is going to break a little bit more, but I’ll think of him anytime I work on it or go for a drive, I’ll tell my kids stories of my best friend, my cousin, my little brother, about how strong he was, how good, always there for everyone and so caring.. Fuck.
Rosalie got to play with Enzo and hangout while I visited my brother and his family, just talking about how crazy it is that Andrew is gone.. It was tough, but I told them I’ll be by to visit more, and we’re all here for each other. Going to my Aunt Theresa’s was harder, she kept looking at me and as much as I tried to ignore it, I know what she was thinking. Hell, didn’t take long for her to speak up about it, she told me I can’t go anywhere, that I have my little ones to take care of, and as hard as this is, I have to be around for them, I have to be around for everyone, that we can’t do this again. She made me promise, and so I did, felt like promising my mom all over again that I wouldn’t let my depression take me away.. We stayed there longer than I’d intended and when we did go home, Rosalie slept, I just drove, focused on the road, telling myself I needed to get us home safely, then I could cry. As soon as I put her to bed, I went downstairs and cried some more, just thinking about everything going on in life right now, thinking about my cousin, thinking about my Auntie Anna, thinking about the 3000GT, thinking about Jill, thinking about the kids..
I miss you Andrew, still doesn’t feel real, this is going to be hard. Tell my mom hello from us, and I’ll see you when I see you, a long time from now.
For everyone else, reach out if things are feeling hard, don’t wait till it’s too late. Whether we know each other or not, I’ll always be here to listen, to talk, to give advice. Reach out, please.
Later days.
“Now it’s night fall
You’ve got plans for nothing at all
But who knows who might call?
But then where would you go?
Go into the nightlife
Into the dim lights
Look for someone who’ll tell you
To come on home
Oh, oh, oh, it’s time to come home
Innocence lost
Somewhere in Alphaville
Inside a dream you are beside me still
When I awake
The dream is over
You’re gone, gone, gone
What a strange time
As you flip on your house lights
And you realize
There’s no one at home”